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|| I love deadlines. Especially the whooshing sound they make as they go flying
||What is a Yankee?
||On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
|| On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
|| Try 'cal 9 1752' on any machine running UNIX operating system. The output
|| WASHINGTON, DC - Adolescents across the nation were thrilled by the U.S.
||This young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When
|| A man with a 50 inch long dick goes to his doctor to complain that he is
|| DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
||Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newly-wed
||What's the definition of an accountant?
|| MBA = Mediocre But Arrogant
||20 things guys learn from action films:
|| Once this woman placed an ad in the local newspaper looking for a suitable
|| OK, so Noah's landed the ark and is letting all the critters go free,
|| The Top 17 Signs You're Addicted to the Internet
|| A woman is picked up by a basketball player in a bar. They like each other
|| Silly quotes from actual consumer product packages and instructions,
||A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon
||Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either
||A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on
|| A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and
|| Sunnyvale, CA. Nubility, Inc. is pleased to announce the availability of
|| The Ages of Woman:
|| Reservations of an Airline Agent (After Surviving 130,000 Calls from the
|| A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky
||DETROIT - With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic
||Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
||What really happens at US airports...
||SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED BEER IN SPACE
|| How to Spot Aliens at Work
||A Chinese went to a bar to have some drinks. At the counter he sat next to a
||AMBIGUOUS ADS FROM NEWSPAPERS
|| Dormitory = Dirty Room
|| Analogies You Probably Won't Find in Great Literature:
||A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with
|| The following is a table of eight different set of animals. In each box, a
|| There's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school in a really
|| Keep pressing the space bar and you will see...
||32 WAYS TO ANNOY
|| Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
|| Hi. Now you say something.
|| The Ant and The Grasshopper
|| 1. Mini cutting board (Great for the office or the car. Use metal door for
|| Read Newfpyr's masterful turning of the tables on a hacker...
|| AOL Timing-Out Messages
||Some versions of UNIX have been found unable to process pseudo-complex
|| I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on
|| You know you're Asian if...
|| An attractive but "ample" woman was setting at a bar when a lounge lizard type
||We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :)
||I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to
|| A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to
||Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed
|| AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
||Charlie and Audrey are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
||I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into
||Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one
|| I often stand and meditate,
|| Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St.
||* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near
|| A man was walking across the road when he met an accident. The impact was on
||TOP TEN RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T KEEP
|| The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired
|| A Woman on her deathbed felt a need to confess to her husband regarding a
|| The Top 15 Slogans That Never Quite Caught On
|| T'was The Night Before Christmas
||One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.
||A man is caught by a forest ranger sitting at a makeshift campfire, and, to the
||A little old lady entered the main branch of the Chase Manhattan bank with a
||THE NEXT TIME YOU GET PULLED OVER BY THE CHP (California Highway Patrol)
|| There are these three guys, a Surd, an Italian, and a Jewish guy.
||The Top 15 Other Boycotts of the Southern Baptists
|| Termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
||Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his
||Barbie's X'mas letter to Santa
||118 ways Barney should die
||Getting the Bugs Out by DAVE BARRY
||You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short
|| Just Her Size by DAVE BARRY
|| So occasionally you go to the neighborhood bar or pub and hang out. Did you
||Punchlines to Dirty Baseball Jokes (Presented by the San Francisco Giants)
||For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this
||48 Things To Do In a Public Restroom:
|| 20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate
|| You know you are from the Bay Area when...
||Before and After You Fall In Love
|| Let It Be
||Rules For Bedroom Golf
||Top Ten Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
|| 25 GOOD REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
|| It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month
||BEFUDDLED PC USERS FLOOD HELP LINES, AND NO QUESTION SEEMS TO BE TOO BASIC
||My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how much she could get away
||me: That's a mighty big meal you ordered there, Dan.
||How to Cook a Berkeley Student
||Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an
|| A deaf-mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty
||Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an
|| [The bloopers found below are said to be written by actual students and are
|| The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife
|| 24 Reasons That Bicycles Are Better Than Your Mate
||One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game.
||The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were
||It comes from a column in Bicycling mag entitled "parlez-vous bike? - What
|| The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was
|| Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
|| Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girls' junior college,
||Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl
||The bitter truth...
|| Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
|| A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an
||Q: What do you call a dead blond in a closet?
||A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator,
|| A blond, a brunette, and a red head all tried out for the same job as road
|| A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news story
|| There is a brunette, redhead, and a blonde being held captive and they are all
||She was sooooo blonde that...
|| There are three blonde women stranded on an island.
|| God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want
|| A man walked into a bar and ordered ten pints of Guinness, which he proceeded
|| A man and his wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniverasary, and the
||The Battle of the Bobbit Hillbillies
|| John Bobbit's Prayer
|| Police in New Jersey arrested a man they caught dumping 10 bags of human body
|| So this guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and his friend's
|| The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the
|| B O O T I T
|| Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings
||A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three
|| EMPLOYER TALK
|| A farmer needs a bull to service his cows, but needs to borrow the money. The
||A man and his wife celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary by staying at the
||This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car
|| A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the
|| BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO... especially when you share the same major.
|| There was this woman with huge breasts who was always being harassed and
||One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He
||Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the
|| INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE
|| DUBIOUS ACHEIVEMENT AWARDS - BRITISH DIVISION
||Who said you needed a brain to write about science?
||How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?
|| An American tourist walked in to a traditional restaurant in Spain. When he
||HUMOROUS BUMPER STICKERS
||Extreme Bumper Stickers
|| Announcing the new language "C+-" (Pronounced "C more or less")
|| A guy stumbles out of a hotel in Las Vegas. Down to his last few dollars, he
|| A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter,
||Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It
|| A young blonde walks into the World Wide Message Center and says, "I would
||Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate
|| A young man joins the foreign legion, and is posted deep in the heart of
|| Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette.
||It was another PAYDAY and I was tired of MR. GOODBAR. I saw Miss HERSHEY
|| A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb
|| Justification for Automotive Assassination
||What would driving to the grocery store be like if operating systems ran your
|| GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK
|| Canonical List of Automobile Acronyms
|| 10 WORST CARTOON CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME
|| CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART
|| This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle:
|| Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on the ground
|| Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
||There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of Niagara Falls,
|| Problem: A cat is in a tree and it won't come down. Explain briefly how you
||WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE CAUGHT LOOKING AT ANOTHER WOMAN
||The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception
|| A CEO-type is in the hospital, being treated for a minor problem. For a week
||(Chinese Love Signs by Neil Somerville)
||Okay, okay. I know how much all of you absolutely hate chain letters so here
|| An amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit
||One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God,
|| There was a guy who was working as a teaching assistant for a large lecture
|| A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three
||A doctor visits a girls' college to do medical checkup. The first girl comes
|| 10. Bitchin' motorcade from history class to language lab
|| "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of
|| A while back, someone asked how many generic chickens would fit into a generic
||A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
|| Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road?
|| You know you are no longer a kid when...
|| Suc Mi Pagoda
|| CHINESE PHRASE ENGLISH TRANSLATION
|| 101+ Ways to Tell if You Are Chinese
||Top ten reasons why there won't be a Chinese American President any time soon:
|| TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
|| A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a spongebath. One of
|| 15 ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS
|| Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The
||One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New
|| These three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret
|| We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother
|| CLASSES FOR MEN
|| The Domestic Side of Guys
|| Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if
|| Overheard at the White House Super Bowl XXXII party:
|| Police in Washington, D.C. are passing out flyers, warning citizens that a
||Similarities between Nixon and Clinton...
||Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the
||A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing
||We all know that men are not quite as adept at fashion as women. In fact guys
||The Top 18 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party
||Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of
||Cockroach Slain, Husband Badly Hurt
|| In October 1992, the ABU support team in Bellevue sent care packages of
|| WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
||THE JOY OF COFFEE
|| Described below is not a Joke, but something to ponder upon and wonder whether
|| HOW COLD IS IT?
||A family of polar bears is walking along at the North Pole, when the baby bear
||True Fact: There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo. [Population:
||A father scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebeled against his
|| Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
|| B: I know how to please a woman.
|| Top 10 reasons computers are male
|| Dec Rourke rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his
|| As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
|| The Best and Worst Comments Received
|| Commonly asked questions... and their answers (?)
|| Here's the latest news in the world of hi tech business...
|| There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a
|| E Pluribus Modem
|| The Computer Hillbillies
|| WOMEN ARE COMPLEX CREATURES...
|| Improve Your Computer Vocabulary
|| Condom Slogans
|| This guy is at the supermarket and after picking up a few things he queues in
|| Canonical Collection of "CONFUCIUS SAY" Wisdom
|| You Might Be a Conservative If...
||The second attack on Iraq - Explained
||PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
|| YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN A CONSULTANT FOR TOO LONG WHEN...
|| Selecting a Girlfriend
|| Birth Control Jelly - Grape Flavored?
||A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the
|| A little girl was getting a haircut from a barber, who gave her a cookie to
||The boss was standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on
||Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
|| My boy Leroy, son of a preacher man.
|| Two farmers are shooting the shit out in the fields. The first farmer starts
||THE FUNNIEST LINES IN COUNTRY MUSIC - 1994
||A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by
|| Top Ten Good Things About The Dallas Cowboys...
|| - Two cows were standing in a field. One of them goes: "Mooooooo!"
|| (__) (__) (__) (__)
||A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are
|| WOMEN'S GUIDE TO DRIVING MEN CRAZY
|| In The Beginning...
|| THE CRIMINAL MIND AT WORK
|| All reasons cucumbers are better than men:
|| HOW TO BE A CULTIST
|| Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
||A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-
||The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a
|| If you don't believe this can work... Read the letters after the intructions!
|| REAL LIFE CYBER SEX
|| Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one
||Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are
|| The Dark Sucker Theory
||You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out moments
|| Now HERE is a canidate for the Darwin Award.
||DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED
||The Heuristic Squelch Dating Guide
|| DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to
||APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
|| Dear Employees,
|| A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense 12 hour
|| A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho
||There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other
|| A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a
|| How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History
||3 buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven to an orientation.
||A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy
||Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
|| 1. Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
||Father : A banker provided by nature.
||A software engineer met his end and found himself at the Pearly Gates. The
||What Democracy Means to Me
|| A NAUGHTY LITTLE POEM
||A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they
|| Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real
|| The Invisible Killer
||This is the result of a programmer who didn't check his spelling before
|| 16 Reasons Why a Diet Coke is Better Than a Man
|| What is a difference between
||Men who use computers are the new sex symbols of the 90's
|| A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for
|| TOP 10 WAYS TO SERIOUSLY DISTURB YOUR OFFICE-MATES
||What the Doctor says
|| *** Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers ***
|| It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage
|| Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a
|| A man walks into a bar one night and sees three jars of money on a shelf on
|| ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE... I learned from my dog!
|| A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
|| It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed
|| THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN IT'S GETTING STEAMY
||NOTED DOUGH BOY DIES
||Dear Dr. Ruth:
||Dracula was killed one day and up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God
||The teacher asked all the children to tell a story with a moral to it.
|| How to Find the Driver's State
|| The following test questions from a California remedial driver-training class
|| Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
||Subject: Drug Dealers vs. Software Developers
||Dan is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o'clock, last round
|| A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following
||A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking
||THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
|| DEEP THOUGHTS (BY JACK HANDEY)
|| Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If
|| EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR
||There was this preacher who decided to sell his horse. A prospective buyer was
|| Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people - many of whom use
|| "Good crowd. Good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm OK now
|| While driving along the back roads of a small town, two novice truckers came
|| The Top 9 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
|| "Berkeley California"
||One day a man went to see a doctor. He yelled, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to
|| NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA
||The Official Ebonics Guide to help whitey translate the negroid-american
||An Ebonics Christmas
|| HOW TO KILL AN EEL (a true story)
|| The Sad Life of an Egg
|| The Sex Life Of an Electron
||In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements
|| HOW TO HUNT ELEPHANTS ---
||A young boy and his parents went to the Zoo one sunny Saturday. They saw the
||The Top 15 Surprises on the Special Episode of "Ellen"
||Found this in the standard Emacs distribution... Don't ask. I don't know.
|| Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:
||The following are the first three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moment's
||In Melbourne, Fl. one of the radio stations paid money ($100-$500) for people
|| First, there were :) smiley emoticons.
||TECHNIQUES ON BEING AN EFFECTIVE EMPLOYEE
||Is this what our lives have ultimately come to?
|| Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.
|| An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better
|| TOP TEN REASONS TO DATE AN ENGINEER:
|| Two engineering students meet on campus one day.
||40 Tips for Proper English
|| The following appeared recently in the Pet Market section of the Anderson SC
||The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Lederer St. Paul's School
||English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in
|| A hard-working engineer finally took a vacation. While hiking in the
||The Top 11 Reasons Engineers Make Better Husbands
||Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books
|| TEST FOR FIELD ENGINEERS
|| The EPA has made illegal carrying certain flammable substances in your
||WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
|| Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by
|| Fifty Fun Things To Do During A Final That You Know You Are Going To Fail!
|| THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN
||A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
||* "Stewardesses" is the longest English-language word that is typed with only
|| Everybody knows that February is the shortest month, but what's the longest?
|| AMUSING IRRELEVANT FACTS
|| Useless But Interesting Facts:
||There are three men all waiting at the pearlly gates and St. Peter comes to
||There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept
|| A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car
|| A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
||The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International
||The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions Manual
||A Women's Little Instruction Book
|| THE DOCTOR.........because he says "Take your clothes off!"
||A man walked into the drug store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the
||Finals. Finals. Finals.. Finals. Finals. Finals. Finals. Finals.
||A man who worked for the fire department came home from work and told his wife,
|| Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that
|| MY FIRST TIME EVER
||A drunk Scotsman was walking home from the local pub one night and passed out
||One day, a young man goes to apply for a sales job at a major department store.
||Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small
||A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him
||"And they said it couldn't be done"
|| A chinese man at the Foriegn Exchange counter in London:
|| Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St.
|| Have you heard of the Fish and the Fly? There is a body of water with a fish
|| A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon swimming in the
|| WEEK 1
|| Do you remember junior high and High school? Do you remember talking about
||Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, "Well,
||An 85-year-old man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband
|| Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his
||Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When
||MANAGED CARING PLAN
||A young boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a crushed frog on a string. He
|| A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If
|| Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language
|| A Florida chapter of the Ku Klux Klan is threatening to sue after being
|| Dear Dad,
|| A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of
|| These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine:
|| There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who
|| There was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden. No
||Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got
||THE TOP 25 THINGS THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF BILL GATES WERE A REDNECK
|| Bill Gates Wealth Index
|| 100 reasons it's great to be a gay guy
|| An old farmer decides it's time to get a new rooster for his hens. The
|| Question: When bumping into an old geek, should one
|| T H E S E N S E O F T H E G O O S E
|| MEN & WOMEN - GENDER-BIASED QUOTES
|| Three friends, Fred, Tommy, and Elmo, were shipwrecked on a tropical isle.
||This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-
||A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with
|| Human "genius" at work:
|| Actually from the LA Times...
|| Having chosen English as the preferred language, the European Parliament has
|| The Canonical List of Different Ways to Say "Masturbation"
|| 100 reasons why it's great to be a girl:
||A man was wondering in the woods pondering all the questions of life, universe,
|| SOME IMPORTANT THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED IF WE THINK OF GOD AS A
||In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.
|| A man lives in a house and the river starts to rise. He cannot get his car
|| A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
|| ARE YOU A GOD? Take this simple test and find out.
|| Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God
||One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking
||A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is
||What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
|| These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in
||A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as
||A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the
||Golf is a dangerous sport! This is a true story from Palm Beach Florida. The
|| A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of
|| Gomer lives on a farm, and he knows nothing about women or sex, so for his
|| GOOD * BAD * WORSE
||The Goodtimes Email Virus
|| From a recent Dave Barry column...
||A hunter in Uganda is being sought by local authorities for illegally hunting
|| It seems when Armstrong walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One
|| You just might be a grad student if:
|| UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
||There once was a little green man living in a little green house on the top of
||Helen's husband had a terrible habit of letting go with an absolutely GIGANTIC
||The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be
|| Personal Growth
||A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice shout at him, "Stop!
|| Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There
||One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
|| Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
||100 reasons it's great to be a guy
||WHAT A GUY REALLY MEANS...
|| Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
|| YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG...
|| If Computers Wrote Error Message In Haiku
|| * Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
||A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
|| Handyman Pick-Up Lines (as presented by actor/comedian Tim Allen)
||This lovely little girl was entering class for the first time. A friendly
||A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to
||A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle
||From the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS, May 24, 1994
||Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to
||Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was
||It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's
|| ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
||If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor,
||An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing
|| A young couple was driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love
|| Heaven's Gate - WHY
|| Most people think heaven is above us and hell beneath. Actually they're side
||Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?
|| The Evolution of a Programmer
||From humor writer Bob Wieder:
|| HERE I SIT
||I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge,
||I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I
||A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look
||Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday
|| "There it is again. Some clueless FOOL talking about the 'Information
||President Clinton flies into Andrews AFB. The color guard is present as well
|| A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders
|| A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat.
||There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday
|| TOP TEN REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX
||It's always difficult to bring sad news, but thought you should know...
||A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few
|| All of these are from Homer Simpson. Unfortunately, not all of them are
|| You Know You're Hooked When:
||A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they
||CASTRO VALLEY, Calif. An American dog has received the world's first set of
||Dear Mother and Dad:
|| A horse and a rabbit were frolicing in a meadow. When the horse got stuck in
|| TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY RIDICULOUS HOST NAMES
|| How to impress a woman:
|| This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPUs, no screaming disc
|| What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of
||See, This morning I was driving to work when a small furry multi-legged
|| "In a recent survey, 86 percent of college fraternity members admitted that
|| A man was boasting to his friend, "You know, I am a well known collector of
|| Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back.
||There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer
|| 40 THINGS I LEARNED FROM ID4
|| Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the
|| A couple of days ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steak House for
|| Everyday I give thanks to God
|| I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
|| In Computer Heaven:
||The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
||HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
||A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue,
|| "How To Install Software - A 12-Step Program"
|| THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE AUTOMOBILE
||The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer
|| Attention SGI Interns:
||Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading
||A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
||Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young
|| There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a
|| Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest
||Executives were asked: "What is the most unusual thing you have ever witnessed
|| A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer.
|| There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of
|| DENSA IQ Test
||An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are called upon to test a lie
||1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill
|| There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
|| SOCIALISM - YOU HAVE TWO COWS, YOU GIVE ONE TO YOUR NEIGHBOR.
|| It all really just boils down to this:
|| I am an Italiano.
|| SUN MICROSYSTEMS SUES ISLAND OF JAVA*
||Now get this. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had to
|| 10 REASONS WOMEN DATE JERKS INSTEAD OF NICE GUYS
||A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."
|| Today's quiz is directed toward the guys. Ladies, just sing along...
|| The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I saw a HONK IF
||Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
||Did Jesus use a modem,
|| James Shapiro's Jewish Pick-up Lines:
|| Here I sit, broken-hearted,
||Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked
||Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating
||Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher
|| Here we are in the classroom.
|| One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
|| Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game where one
|| Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.
|| There was this construction worker, Steve, on the 3rd floor of this unfinished
|| A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my vagina has
|| It's tough being a politician. Half your reputation is ruined by lies; the
|| Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a
||1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it
||The Love Teachings of Kama Sutra
|| Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to
|| There was a Banta Sardarji who was down on his luck. In order to raise some
|| Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with
||A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely
|| An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch reflecting
||50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare the Hell Out of People in the Computer
||There are three Labrador retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, a
||The Corporate Ladder:
||Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the
||GENUINE EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS:
|| C - You shoot yourself in the foot.
|| Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy
|| A young woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you identify
||Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
||Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains,
|| ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND (actual trial)
|| Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
|| From the Salt Lake Tribune:
|| A lawyer and a Pope die at the same time and go up to heaven together. After
|| Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
|| A newlywed couple was on their honeymoon. Before hopping into bed, the bride
|| A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked,
|| A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are
|| NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to the space station Mir. Only
|| A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and
|| A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test
||A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom
||One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He
|| A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked
||An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps
|| A nun and a priest were halfway across the desert when they realized that the
||Sometimes it seems that what we study in college doesn't have much relation to
||Recently I have been pestered with a series of deeply scientific questions, all
||Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
|| 25 Reasons We Like Men Just The Way They Are
|| There once was a Scot named McAmeter
||A man walks into the women's section of a department store and tells the
|| Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by
|| MORE SILICON VALLEY LINGO
||A lion was stalking through the jungle one day when he came across a bull. The
|| A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older
||Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the
||A young boy walking home from school must pass by a group of hookers working
||The teacher was going around the class, asking each student grammar and English
|| Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells
|| One evening this guy comes home from work to be greeted by his wife at the
||A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length
|| There was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt
|| A wife gets home, runs into the house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack
|| How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?
||ORIGINS OF LOVE
|| To My Dear Wife,
||From Joe Bob at the Drive In
|| The more I think of you, the more I
|| Murphy's Laws of Love
||L's Bells - a contest by Focus Magazine
||Two men sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to
|| A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The
|| It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
|| Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the
|| 25 Facts For Women To Know About Men
||What can a bird do that a man can't?
|| Two new elements have been discovered...
|| How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
||Three men, a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are
|| Here is the woman's guide to what a man is really saying...
||A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
|| Lighter Side of Marriage
||A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car
|| A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a
||Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y"
|| Married Life... QUOTES
||The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High
||A man returned home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the curb with
||25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you married yet?"
||RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
||The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face
|| A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
||A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that
||"Other Toys Being Discontinued by Mattel"
|| MAXIM'S O' THE DAY:
|| After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the
|| "They're made out of meat."
|| GROSS Medical Problems
|| ALL I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED AT MELROSE PLACE:
|| Why Dogs Are Better Than Men
|| RITA RUDNER'S FACTS ABOUT MEN
||A Few Thoughts About Men...
|| Men are like department stores:
|| What is the difference between pigs and men?
||1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
|| WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN -
||A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
|| A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices
||Actual Phone Answering Machine Messages
|| BATTLE OF THE METAPHORS
||What do you call a Mexican vasectomy?
|| If Microsoft Built Cars
||One day little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his
||HOW MIL SPECS LIVE FOREVER
|| There is a minnow swimming in a pond, who spots a worm. "Hmm," thinks the
||Minor Words Of Semi-Wisdom
||The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog. The man
|| Two guys were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of
|| MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department
||A guy is walking through China Town in New York. He is fascinated by all the
||I'd like to share with you these inspirational words from the great minds of
|| The Top 16 Ways to Annoy a Supermodel
||There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole
|| John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't
||One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink and they
||One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he
|| A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
||I Like Monkeys
||These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success. Finally they
|| Phone Won't Stop Ringing?
||A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they
|| The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as
||REJECTED STATE MOTTOS
||12 interesting things that you learn about computers in the movies...
||Fun and games with excel
|| Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He
|| A pilot is flying a small single engined charter plane, with a couple of
|| And LO! The Lord of the OS did come down among His sheep and He did sayeth,
|| REDMOND, WA - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the
|| There was a knock on the door...
|| Internet MTB Dictionary
|| Academy of Mudgeology
|| 1. The more confidential the memo, the more likely it will be left in the
|| MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK
|| TWISTED IDIOMS
|| These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the
||Groaners for the morning blues:
||MacGregor the Scotsman at the turn of the century was standing at the local pub
|| Q. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
|| Eleven things that sound politically incorrect at Thanskgiving, but aren't:
|| Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations:
|| A husband and wife were getting all snugly in bed. The passion was heating up,
||Neighbor 1: "Hi there, new neighbor. It sure is a mighty nice day to be
|| ** The Ballad of Eskimo Nell **
||This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer.
||The Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the 'Net'
||Subject: Hi! Please read me and dont ignore me!
||The History of The Net
|| The Top 16 Changes Now That the Baby Has Arrived
||The top ten ways the Bible would have been different if it had been written by
||An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was
|| AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
|| Six minutes to six, said the clock over the information booth in New
||A man came home late one night.
||A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One
|| How to determine if technology has taken over your life:
|| BOYS AND GIRLS ARE BORN EQUAL BUT NOT THE SAME
|| Bill of No Rights
|| "Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
||Washington Post - Style Invitational Challenge for the week was to come up with
|| To whom it may concern:
||THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
|| Top 20 children's books not recommended by the National Library Assoc.
||Children's books you will NOT see:
||Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
||A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display:
||A family of three, mom, dad and a 10-year-old girl, went down to Florida to
|| The Top 14 Signs You Have Nothing to Do at Work
||A numbers game
||A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice,
|| At midnight one middle-aged man was waiting at a train station to cross the
|| It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene
||Cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
|| There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a
|| 50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class
||A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the
||A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one
|| Mystery of Math
|| A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in
|| The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss
||YOU KNOW YOU'RE OLD WHEN...
|| The Top 20 Indications You Won't Win Olympic Gold
|| Live From NBC! Drum Roll, Please.
|| Q: Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman?
|| YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO SERIOUS ABOUT COMPUTERS...
|| TOP TEN REASONS OREOS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
||If Operating Systems Were Beers...
||The Top 16 Signs Someone at Work is Out to Get You
||A man was riding his bike in the English countryside, cruising past severl
|| Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them
|| Top 47 OXYMORONS:
|| Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bob Packwood are traveling in a car together in
|| Three men were sitting around the fire, drinking beer and telling stories.
||A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the
|| OWATONNA, Minn (AP)
|| The Paradoxes of Men
|| These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the
|| There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean
||The scene is a New York City subway. Seated together - somewhat awkwardly -
|| A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have
|| On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers
||Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The
||HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE THROWING A SUCCESSFUL PARTY
||On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some
||A man jumps from an airplane and when he pulls his parachute cord, it breaks.
||A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customer's
||Two drunks are driving down the highway drinking beer. All of a sudden they see
||I am pentium of Borg.
|| vertically challenged -- short
|| Politically correct usage when talking to/about females:
|| A man walked into a Bingo Parlor itching to win big. He got himself situated
|| Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing of
|| An 80-year-old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend,
||A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the
|| The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on
|| TYPES OF PENIS
|| THE LONG AND THE SHORT:
||My nookie days are over
||One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite restaurant
|| It seems that this perfect man met this perfect woman and they got married.
||The Perfect Day for Her:
||A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
|| Collection of Philosophy
|| This guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender is off by the sink
|| PICK-UP REBUTTAL HUMOR
|| NOSE PICKING GLOSSARY
||Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
|| Pick Up Lines
|| NORTHEASTERN'S BEST PICKUP LINES
||The Ultimate List of Pick-Up Lines to Use on Engineering Chicks
|| Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a
||A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After
||A man died and went to the gates of heaven. There he was met by St. Peter. St.
||Pinocchio got a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters
||An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits
|| 20 Types of People You Might Meet in the Men's Room
||Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom. The first man finished
||SUBJECT: Personal Function Kit Technical Support
|| In the beginning was the Plan.
||A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until
||Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On
||In the battle of Agincourt, the French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win
|| My Appetite is My Shepard (Pound 23)
||Scandal in the Wind: Bill Clinton's alleged affair with a White House intern
|| __( )_ "Oh, bother!" said Pooh.
|| Ghost Poopie - The kind where you feel the poopie comes out, but there's no
|| The Pope had just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and was taking a
||About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave
||Julie, a blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to
||The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just say it's
|| A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his
|| From an ex-field sales/support survivor:
||In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a dead PowerBook 165.
|| Lord, grant me the serenity
|| A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal
|| A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious
|| A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were
||THE "PREDICTED" TOP TEN MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS
||Laura walked into the White House for her first day of her internship and was
||Presidential Jokes, as seen at the Late Night Show with Jay Leno
|| Presidential Answering Service
||Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is
||Outside of the Manila Hotel, a Japanese tourist gets in a cab and tells the
|| A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country
|| Every time Timmy's mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet
|| * In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10'cell.
|| Computer Problem Report Form
|| HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX
|| WHAT THE PROFESSOR REALLY MEANS
|| Prohibited Activities in Certain States...
|| PSHIFT(1) USER COMMANDS PSHIFT(1)
||Two builders (Fred and Bill) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub
||Some Gangsters think of robbing a bank. They think of the best plan that can be
||WHAT NOT TO SAY THE NEXT TIME YOU GET STOPPED...
|| One day little Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a
||A man was driving home late one night and was feeling very horny, as he was
|| The basic facts are simple enough.
|| Did you hear that the Pillsbury dough boy died? Yup, got a yeast infection.
|| This just in from the international desk:
||A man walks into a bar and he asks the bartender, "Do you know someone that can
|| THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ?
||"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that
||In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
||- If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
||"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
||SEXUAL TENSION QUIZ:
|| I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in
||Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like
|| A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking
|| A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.
|| Real Engineers...
|| Recipe for Love
||There once was a consultant who lived her whole life without ever taking
|| A Texan, a Californian and a Washingtonian were camping in the woods. They are
|| "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
|| Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...
||Two rednecks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler
|| Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there,
|| A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that the
||Top 10 Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working At A Computer In Your Office:
||It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert where
|| Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)
|| Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term,
|| A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married. Before getting
|| A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After
||An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man.
|| A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics
||In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a
||A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors
|| Remember When...
||TOKYO - Television watching became even more convenient this week with Sony's
|| BORN REPUBLICAN by Daniel Mendelsohn
||Resume Bloopers from Robert Half: (These are real examples from real resumes)
|| Actual Resume Mistakes
|| A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train.
|| According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and
|| Title: The World's Greatest Smoke Off
|| 20+ Ways To Confuse Your Roommate:
|| A man is driving down a quiet country lane when suddenly a rooster scurries
||One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone
|| 1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
|| A WOMAN'S 50 RULES FOR MEN
|| CHRISTMAS RUM CAKE
||An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas
|| John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his partner,
|| A Guide to Safe Fax
||John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He
|| >>>>>> Furor Erupts in Brigham City Schools <<<<<<
|| December 14th
|| 'Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House,
||Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes
||I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison
||A fourth grade class was asked to provide original endings to famous sayings.
|| Has anyone ever said to you, "You don't know Jack Schidt"?
||A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's
|| A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc.,
|| Scooby-DOOBIE-Doo, where are you?
|| I was in New York a few months ago in a bar on the corner of Times Square when
|| Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
||An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a
||A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that land. He meets
|| This straight guy walks into a bar and suddenly realizes it's a gay bar. He
||A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks
||A List of Abbreviations in the "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classified
||A few years ago we worked with Leif Segerstam, a composer/conductor from
|| Jerry Seinfeld:
|| Seinfeld-isms (From the Washington Post)
|| There was a software engineer, who used to develop programs on his Pentium
||It was Sunday, and the entire congregation was sitting inside its customary
||A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures
||A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are
|| DR. SEUSS' VERSION OF THE TYSON-HOLYFIELD FIGHT:
||DR. SEUSS' LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS
|| WHAT IF DR. SUESS DID TECHNICAL WRITING?
|| Q: What is the definition of 'wicker box'?
|| Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. Now Sex has
|| Sex Laws in the Good 'ol U S of A
||Weird Local USA Sex Laws
|| The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs,
|| ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
|| 1) Willowdale, Ore. - It's against the law for a husband to talk dirty during
||My aunt used to tell me there were three kinds of sex in a marriage. There was
||Top 25 reasons why sex is better than golf:
||You Know You Are In San Francisco When...
||The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands
|| Shakespeare Insult Kit
|| Reasons Sheep Are Better Than Women
||Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a
||Unleash the Power of Shift!
|| THE TOP 43 NERD T-SHIRT SLOGANS
|| TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
||Our company provides its employees with free bagels and schmears (cream cheese
|| A pregnant woman is in a bank when an armed robber enters the bank and shoots
|| The Shotgun Rules
|| A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on
||*** Attention ***
||A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
|| A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what
||MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
|| On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
|| A deaf couple are on their honeymoon. The husband asks the wife in sign
||Actual Business Signs
|| The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.
||A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They
|| Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Neil. A little confused at
||One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair,
|| One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I
|| Ski season will soon be here, so here is a guide to "snow" terms for beginner
|| In case you don't get a chance to go skiing this season, here are some
|| A group went on a holiday ski trip to Colorado. The conditions were perfect -
||Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation
|| An Irishman, an Englishman, and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in the
||RESPONSES IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING ON THE JOB
||Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She
||Once, there was an extra population in the jungle. So the King of the Jungle
||A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He
|| The Corporate Ladder:
|| A Female's Guide To Logical Thinking
||All babies are born with a penis.
|| :-) the normal smiling face, appended to a sentence or an article means
||Mrs. Smith presented her husband with a 12 lbs baby and for a joke, one of the
|| By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
|| The 9 Types of Boyfriends
|| From the Sunday Times (London, England)
||A guide for engineers (and friends of engineers):
||A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on
|| Mr. Jones hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While
||A Story To Live By
||A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.
||A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church in Italy. He looks
|| A mother and her son were flying Southwest from Kansas to Chicago. The son
||The mention of "a feast of spaghetti code" ["Computer Collectives," CrossTalk,
||"Ode to Spam - A Haiku Poem"
||A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
|| One bitterly cold winter a sparrow was flying alone, freezing and starving.
|| The Spice Girls Application Form
|| A man who had come into some money needed a tax write-off, so he bought a
|| A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the
|| The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
||THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
|| Men, want to know where you stand in the rough-and-tumble, give-and-take world
|| Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous
|| A Star Trek: The Next Generation Christmas
|| Star Trek Lost Episodes Transcript
||Star Wars Top 10 Sexually Slanted Lines
|| For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in
||A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
|| A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the
||Today's Stock Market Report:
||Johnny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As
|| A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate
|| There was this male engineer on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first
|| There is this ship that goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5
|| HOW TO STAY STRESSED
||YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...
||Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid
|| A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway
|| YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT...
||Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas
|| A student comes to a young professor's office hours.
|| Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel
|| Glen Woodcock, 31, drove his Ford Bronco onto an Army bombing range, then got
||49 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
||I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate
|| The Top 15 Signs Cupid has Gone Nuts
||A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but
||This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling
|| Guy goes into a bar.
|| Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away
||A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going up into the
|| To laugh often and much;
||A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful
|| The Day SunOS Died
||A sixteen year old girl goes to confession.
||A man receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company.
|| Superman is bored fighting crime everyday. So one Friday night he decides to
||If restaurants functioned like software companies...
|| WASHINGTON, DC - In a landmark decision Monday, the United States Supreme
|| Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
|| Translating Southern United States to English
|| Swami Beyondananda's Guidelines for Enlightenment
||Bill, Hillary, Al and Tipper are all feeling a little saucy in the family room
||Two mice were sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub. The first
|| A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under
|| Consider the similarities between Santa Claus and system administrators.
|| - Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
||Top 10 tips for Driving in Taipei
||The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a
|| A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the
|| Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time
|| Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes
|| The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to
|| I'm Stuck with the Kids - A Frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS
||A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex with his
|| A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing
|| How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck"
|| On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
||This lady always wanted an expensive car - a status symbol to drive around and
||T E C H S U P P O R T T A L E S # 10
|| Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:
|| What Is Technical Harassment?
||The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support
|| Technical Terminology
|| What follows is apparently an actual notice enclosed in a packing box which
|| Next time one of those pushy telemarketing people calls, try one of these
|| Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after
|| When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data input"
|| A man (M) and a lady (L) who are very much in love and devoted to one another
|| FINAL EXAM
||There were a group of California 3rd grade boys at school. They decided that
||FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
||There's this drunk staggering down the street with his car keys in his hand. He
||One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine
|| This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound
|| There was this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and
|| It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to
|| ON METAPHYSICS
|| My school colors were clear.
||A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the
|| Three poets - an Indian, an Englishman, and an American - arrive at the gates
||An elderly couple had been dating for sometime and decided it was finally time
|| Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have
|| Yes, I'm tired. For several years, I've been blaming it on middle age, iron
|| SHORTENED VERSION OF TITANIC SCREENPLAY
|| There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to
|| If Netscape made toasters...
||Toddler Property Laws
||The Lone Ranger and Tonto are lost in the middle of nowhere on the prairie.
|| YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...
||YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN:
||Actual dialog of a fired WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
||A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been
||Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each
||Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night
||Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string
||A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen was listening to
|| The section foreman advertised in the newspaper for a part-time tower operator
|| Sometimes it's lost in the translation
|| Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It
|| The following are actual stories told by travel agents about their actual
||Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between
||In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four
||****************** Questions ****************
||This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the
|| Dear Abby,
|| COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM
|| Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis
|| Two guys are in an elevator and all of a sudden the power dies and they get
|| TOP TEN REASONS WHY TV IS BETTER THAN THE WEB
|| Twinkie Failure Testing
||A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came
|| The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Movie "Twister"
||Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their 4 and 6
||MIKE TYSON'S EXCUSES FOR THE FIGHT
|| The Top 15 New Problems for Mike Tyson
||UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIGHTBULB JOKES
|| A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest
|| A drunk gets on a train and stumbles down the aisle looking for a seat. He
||ÜNITED STÄTES TOUGHENS IMAGE WITH UMLAUTS
||The Top 15 Things Overheard Between the Unabomber and the Psychiatrist
|| Walking 'Round in Women's Underwear
|| An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart
|| In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of its
||Fred and Edith are living in the Old Folks Home. One day, Fred says to Edith,
|| Based on the Major General's song from
||Screw Valentine's Day
|| TOP 10 NEW SLOGANS FOR VALUEJET AIRLINES
|| VAN GOGH'S RELATIVES
||After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough.
|| This feller said that one day he was riding through North Carolina and he saw
||There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a
||THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD
||A ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch.
||A mangy-looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No
|| FEMALE PERSPECTIVE
||No jokes today.
|| Addicted to vi
|| With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
|| Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra:
||This man gets his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when
|| Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
|| NPR VIRUS: Program stops every 7 minutes and asks for money.
|| The Top 15 Rejected Slogans for the Movie "Volcano"
|| There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business
|| This guy in a Volkswagen pulls up at a traffic light and looks out the window
||50 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
|| AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES
|| A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in
|| TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS
|| Washington State College & University Directory.
||This guy is at the airport waiting for his flight which leaves a 6:00 but he
|| A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following
||If any of you guys out there have ever thought you had balls, forget about it.
|| The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride
||Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest
|| * In April the Iowa Supreme Court turned down inmate Kirk Livingood's attempt
|| [Sentences taken from Actual letters received with Welfare applications:]
|| The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles
||Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called
|| I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on
|| A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:
||This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 7 inches long, the functioning
|| * Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
|| A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for a checkup. After
|| A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed
|| A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while
||** TOP 10 ADVERTISING SLOGANS FOR WINDOWS 95
||Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
|| /* TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
|| /* TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
|| List of undocumented Windows error messages from PC Mag's web site:
||A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
||Dickson's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
||Three religious leaders (a Baptist preacher, a rabbi and a Catholic priest)
||When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the
||Red Riding Hood is on her way to her grandmother's place when she sees a Big
||HAZARDOUS MATERIAL: WOMAN
|| Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
|| A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and
||"TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND"
|| You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart
|| 41 "FACTS" ABOUT WOMEN
|| In response to the popular "Women's 50 Rules for Men"...
||Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
|| A bus station is where a bus stops.
|| Top 17 Programmer's Terminologies
|| A man and his wife checked into a hotel for their honeymoon one warm June day.
|| A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy
|| The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
|| PORTLAND, ME., Jan. 17. In a move that has surprised educators nationwide, the
|| There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a
||There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of
||VATICAN CITY - In the first-ever union of the Word of God and the Synthesizer,
|| Y.O.D.A. (To the Village People's "Y.M.C.A.")
||A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to
||Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D. (high school
|| So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog stand and says: