Ski season will soon be here, so here is a guide to "snow" terms for beginner
 to advanced...

 ALP- One of a number of places to ski in Europe. Also a shouted request for
 assistance made by a European skier. An appropriate reply: "What's Zermatter?"

 AVALANCHE- One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten
 timid individuals away from the sport. See also: BLIZZARD, CONTUSION,
 FRACTURE, FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA, LIFT COLLAPSE.

 BINDINGS- Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious
 injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering
 across the slope where they trip over two other skiers, and so on and on,
 eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.

 BONES- Brittle things of which there are 206 in the human body. No need for
 dismay, however; there are two bones in the middle ear that have never been
 broken in a ski accident.

 CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING- Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling
 technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift
 tickets. It has no crowds or lineups. It isn't skiing. See CROSS-COUNTRY
 SOMETHING-OR-OTHER.

 CROSS-COUNTRY SOMETHING-OR-OTHER- Touring on skis along trails in scenic
 wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski
 slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through the
 snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a
 deep, wind-sculped drift.

 EXERCISES- A few simple warm-ups to make sure you've been protected for the
 slopes:
 1. Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts, and climb a flight of
    stairs.
 2. Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and
    your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.
 3. Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor. Then, holding
    a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

 GLOVES- Hand coverings designed to be tight enough around the wrist to
 restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any manual
 dexterity. They should admit moisture from the outside without permitting any
 dampness within to escape.

 GRAVITY- One of 5 fundamental forces in nature affecting skiers. The other
 four are: the strong force which makes bindings jam; the weak force which
 makes ankles give way on turns; electromagnetism, which produces dead
 batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots; and the last one, that when an
 irresistable force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will
 immediately appear.

 PREJUMP- Manuevre in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead
 of a bump. Beginners may execute a controlled pre-fall just before losing
 their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with prescream and a few
 pregroans and preobscenities.

 SHIN- That bruised area on the front of the leg running from the point where
 the ache from the wretched knee ends to that where the searing pain from the
 strained ankle begins.

 SKI!- A shout made to alert people that a loose ski is coming down the hill.
 Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" which tells
 everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

 SKIER- One who pays an arm and a leg for the chance to break them.

 SKIS- A pair of long, thin, flexible runners that permit a skier to slide
 across the snow and into debt.

 THOR- The Scandinavian God of acheth & painth.

 TRAVERSE- To ski across a slope at an angle, one of two quick and simple
 methods of reducing speed.

 TREE- The other method.