101+ Ways to Tell if You Are Chinese You love to go to $1.75 movies. You love to go to $1.50 movies even more! You don't order sweet and sour pork, egg foo young, or chop suey at a Chinese restaurant. You have a pager, even though you don't really need it. You have a really nice pager, with an alphanumeric display. You have a cellular phone, even though you don't really need it. You hate to spend more than $5 for lunch. You drive a Honda, probably lowered and with custom rims. You have a Chinese knick-knack hanging on your rearview mirror. You like to eat chicken feet. You suck on fish heads and fish fins. You turn bright red after drinking 2 tablespoons of beer. You can get a buzz on Coors Cutter, O'douls, or Miller Sharps. You look like you are 18. You always look up at women, if you are male. You always look up at Chinese men, if you are female. You live at your parents' house, and you are not claimed as a dependent by them. You only buy used cars. You have more than 5 remote controls in your TV room. You sing Karaoke. You have a custom stereo in your Honda with the custom rims. Your entire house is covered with tile. You have those plastic walkways covering your hallway and other heavy foot traffic areas. You own a gun if you are male. You have plastic or some other kind of cover on your furniture. You leave the plastic on your lampshade for 10 years or more. You eat family dinners with the TV on. You love watching Connie Chung and Terilyn Joe. You have an incredible amount of clutter in your house. You can't bear to throw away things. Your dad washes his hair 4 times a year. You hate getting B's. Your house smells like preserved fish. Your house smells like Chinese medicine. You have about 12-20 uncles and aunts. You've never kissed or hugged your mom or dad. Your wife cuts your hair. Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500. You wear contacts, to avoid wearing your "coke bottle glasses." You've worn glasses since you were in fifth grade. You had a bowl cut before. You go to yard sales often. If you lose a dollar, you dwell upon it for more than 5 mintues. Your parents own a restaurant or grocery store. You love to "buck" the system. If you are overcharged you scream bloody murder, but if you are undercharged, you go your merry way. Your hair sticks up when you wake up. You get a rush from getting a good deal. You'll make ridiculous offers when bargaining. ("I'll give you $5 for that car.") You'll haggle over something that is not negotiable. You love to use coupons. You drive around looking for the cheapest gas. You add twice the recommended amount of water when making orange juice from concentrate. You'll squeeze a toothpaste tube down to paper thin. You take showers at night. You'll drive around for hours looking for the best parking space. You'll learn about sex from someone other than your parents. You'll be convinced your parents had sex as many times as required to produce you and your siblings. You've never seen your parents kiss or hug. You spend six months researching a $20 purchase. Your grandmother lives with you and your family. You never buy stuff from the concession stands at the movies. You tip 15% or less. You never order dessert at restaurants. You always ask for water when dining out. You refuse to use the valet. You try not to use the bellhop, for fear of tipping. You avoid the non-free snacks in hotel rooms. You don't mind squeezing 20 people into one motel room. You want your dollar back from the friend who borrowed it right away. You get the runs when you drink lots of milk. Most girls have more body hair than you if you are male. You speak "Chinglish", which is 40% Chinese, 40% English, and 20% grunts. Sanrio means a lot to you if you are female. Your fridge stinks. Your parents don't want you to move out when you turn 18. Your parents want to live with you when they are old. You tap the table when someone pours tea for you. You point to your nose when referring to yourself. You say "Aiya!" and "Wah!" frequently. You lie about your kids' ages when going to a movie or amusement park. You lie about your age to get a senior citizen's discount. You don't want to wear your seatbelt because it is uncomfortable. You love Las Vegas, slot machines, and blackjack. You love to play Mahjong. You live like you don't have a dime to your name. You have to read all your parents' mail written in English. You have to make phone calls for your parents to English speakers. Your parents ask you if you are home when you come home. ("Faan nei lah?") You get a knuckle in your skull if you are being punished by your parents. You are constantly being set up with uninteresting people by your parents. You always hear about how great so-and-so's son or daughter is. Your parents wish you would give 30% of your income to them. Your childhood is filled with painful memories of the long feather duster. ("Guy Mo So") You can use the words "chink" and "chinaman" with impunity. Your clothes smell like fried foods. You talk at the top of your voice at all occasions. You hate eating cheese. You look forward to Saturday morning brunch at the Price Club free sample circuit. You enjoy listening to sappy Hong Kong pop music. You don't mind working on Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Year's Day. You are a Doctor, Lawyer, or Engineer. The only High School team you were on was the chess club. You don't mind getting bad service, since you can justifiably tip less. You don't mind a 6 hour layover in Vancouver when flying from LA to DC so you can get the cheapest flight. Your mom likes to load up on extra napkins, ketchup, and airline peanuts. You like to wash plastic utensils and reuse them. 82 More Ways to Tell if You Are Chinese You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack. You have never used your dishwasher. You keep a thermos of hot water available at all times. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator. You eat all meals in the kitchen. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin container. You use grocery bags to hold garbage. You always leave your shoes at the door. You have a piano in your living room. Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles. You iron your own shirts. You play a musical instrument. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth). You twirl your pen around your fingers. You hate to waste food. a. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. b. You have tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing. You don't own any real tupperware - only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses. You've eaten a red bean popsicle. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit people's homes. You have a collection of minature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel. The condiments in your fridge are either Costco sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonald's. Ditto paper napkins. You never order room service. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes). - These travel snacks are always dried, as in not just dried plums, dried ginger, and beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (SQUID). You own a rice cooker. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table. (That's why you need the vinyl tablecloth.) Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests just brought just to be courteous. You fight over who pays the dinner bill. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old. - If you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood. You don't use measuring cups. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax. You beat eggs with chopsticks. Your parents' house is always cold. You have a teacup with a cover on it. You reuse teabags. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don't write anymore. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman; if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera. Your mom drives her Mercedes to the Costco. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Information costs 50 cents. You tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more. You're a wok user. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed versions. You love Chinese Martial Arts films. Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you. You have acquired a taste for bitter melon. You like congee with thousand year old eggs. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached - means they're fresh. You never call your parents just to say hi. You always cook too much. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight. Also, if you don't live at home, your parents always want you to come home. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. When you're sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air (yeet hay). You e-mail your Chinese freinds at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart. Your parents never go to the movies. Your parents send money to their relatives in China. You use a face cloth. Your parents use a clothes line. You're always late. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table. You starve yourself before going to all-you-can-eat sushi. You've joined a CD club at least once. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics. You never discuss your love life with your parents. Your parents are never happy with your grades. You save your old coke bottle glasses even though you're never going to use them again. You keep used batteries. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it. You keep most of your money in a savings account. You know what MJ means. You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.