A man lives in a house and the river starts to rise. He cannot get his car
 out, but somebody comes by in a big truck and asks him if he wants a ride. He
 says, "No, the Lord will provide." Later the water rises even higher and a
 boat comes by and asks him if he wants a ride. He says, "No, the Lord will
 provide." The water finally rises so high he is on his roof and a helicopter
 comes by to rescue him and the man says, "No, the Lord will Provide." Well,
 soon the water was over his roof and he was swept away. When the man gets to
 heaven he asks God why he died. God said to the man, "Well, I provided you
 with a truck, boat, and a helicopter. What were you waiting for?"
 
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 Did you hear the one about the guy who wanted to win the lottery? Every week,
 he prayed and prayed. He'd look up to the heavens and shout, "Oh God, please
 let me win the lottery this week!" The same thing week after week after week,
 "Oh God, please let me win the lottery this week!" Finally, one day, God just
 couldn't take it anymore. He opened up the heavens and shouted down at the
 guy, "Hey buddy, meet me half way here! At least go out and buy a lottery
 ticket!"
 
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 Did you hear about the farmer whose crops were lost in a drought? He dropped
 to his knees and prayed, "Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this?" Then the
 man's barn was struck by lightening and all his animals were killed and his
 equipment destroyed. Again he dropped to his knees, "Oh Lord, I implore you.
 Please tell me what to do." About a week later, the man's house burned to the
 ground and his whole family was killed. He prayed again, "Oh Lord, give me
 strength, what have I done to deserve this fate?"
 
 Suddenly the skies cleared and a voice came from the heavens. It said, "You
 know Charlie, you just really chap my ***"
 
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 How about the one where Jesus is preaching to his followers. They are about to
 stone a prostitute, when Jesus steps in and says, "Let ye who is without sin
 cast the first stone." An older woman picks up a boulder and beans the
 prostitute in the head with it. Jesus walks over to the older woman and says,
 "You know, you're really starting to p--s me off, Mom."