"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they
are always locking three." -Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" -John
Mendoza

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language
that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think
there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of
vacuum cleaners." -Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how
dogs spend their lives." -Sue Murphy

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people
make up 75 percent of the population." -David Letterman

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a
cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone,
'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you, too." -Jake
Johansen

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." -Lily
Tomlin