The 9 Types of Boyfriends
 -------------------------

 "Joe Sensitive"
     "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
 Also known as:
     Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
 Advantages:
     Well-behaved; irons own shirts
 Disadvantages:
     Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

 "Old Man Grumpus"
     "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch
     TV."
 Also known as:
     Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
 Advantages:
     Stays put; predictable
 Disadvantages:
     Royal pain in the ass

 "Flinchy"
     "I... I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
 Also known as:
     Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
 Advantages:
     Jumps entertainingly when startled
 Disadvantages:
     Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

 "Bigfoot"
     "Shut yer trap. I'm thinkin'."
 Also known as:
     Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
 Advantages:
     Can tote bales; is easily fooled
 Disadvantages:
     Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

 "Lazybones"
     "Zzzzzz"
 Also known as:
     Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
 Advantages:
     Well rested; easy target
 Disadvantages:
     Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

 "The Sneak"
     "Who, me?"
 Also known as:
     Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, God-Damn Son of a Bitch
 Advantages:
     May feel pangs of guilt
 Disadvantages:
     May be having time of his life

 "Ace of Hearts"
     "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
 Also known as:
     The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
 Advantages:
     Perpetually aroused
 Disadvantages:
     Perpetually aroused

 "The Dreamer"
     "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous.  I don't know how, but..."
 Also known as:
     Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
 Advantages:
     Tells good stories
 Disadvantages:
     Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

 "Mr. Right"
     "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels
     in my new yacht, ok?"
 Also known as:
     Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
 Advantages:
     Answer to a woman's prayer
 Disadvantages:
     Hunted to extinction

 The 9 Types of Girlfriends
 --------------------------

 "Ms. Nice Guy"
     "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have."
 Also known as:
     What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
 Advantages:
     Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
 Disadvantages:
     May wise up someday

 "Old Yeller"
     "You God-Damn spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
     bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
 Also known as:
     She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
 Advantages:
     Pays attention to you
 Disadvantages:
     Screeches, throws frying pans

 "Sickly"
     "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
 Also known as:
     Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
 Advantages:
     Predictable
 Disadvantages:
     Contagious

 "The Bosser"
     "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your
     job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
 Also known as:
     Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
 Advantages:
     Often right
 Disadvantages:
     Often right, but so what?

 "Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied"
     "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair
     color?"
 Also known as:
     The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
 Advantages:
     Easily soothed
 Disadvantages:
     Even more easily perturbed

 "Wild Woman out of Control"
     "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it
     before. S'fun."
 Also known as:
     Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
 Advantages:
     More fun than a barrel of monkeys
 Disadvantages:
     Unreliable; drives off cliffs

 "Huffy"
     "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
 Also known as:
     No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
 Advantages:
     Your friends will feel sorry for you
 Disadvantages:
     You will have no friends

 "Woman from Mars"
     "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our
     relationship"
 Also known as:
     The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
 Advantages:
     Entertaining, unfathomable
 Disadvantages:
     Will read her poetry aloud

 "Ms. Dreamgirl"
     "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of
     a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now."
 Also known as:
     Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
 Advantages:
     Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
 Disadvantages:
     Will have nothing to do with you.