The Spice Girls Application Form

 Name:

 Age:

 Real Age:

 How would you best describe yourself?
 ( ) An energetic self-starter
 ( ) A team player
 ( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet

 Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your tits?

 Would it bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?

 "I am willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music industry."
 ( ) Yes
 ( ) No

 How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?

 Does nudity bother you? If so, give three excuses for your portfolio.

 Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in
 light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern
 behavioralist psychology... Just kidding!

 Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?
 ( ) Yes
 ( ) No

 Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?
 ( ) Yes
 ( ) No

 Choose an appropriate nickname:
 Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Syphilis, Lardy, Sickly, Sporty, Slappy.

 Choose an appropriate image:
 ( ) Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles
 ( ) Tub of lard
 ( ) Bloke. In a tracksuit.
 ( ) Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
 ( ) Terrifying to small children and old men
 ( ) All of the above

 Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever?
 ( ) Yes
 ( ) No

 If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres, and 75
 kilometres an hour, respectively, how would you look in a bikini?

 If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help alleviate
 Prince Charles's loneliness?
 ( ) Yes
 ( ) No

 In the space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, want this
 job. ____________________________