Do you remember junior high and High school? Do you remember talking about
 'the bases' with your friends? Well forget 'em! This is *FOOTBALL*! With the
 all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any of the previous
 complications of having to remember the difference between second and third
 base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in baseball
 and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a boring, confusing and often
 ambiguous game, especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences.
 Whereas Football was invented for the sole purpose of understanding where you
 and your friends are at. Basically the game of football is one big sex
 metaphor. No one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the
 complications of modern romance are easily solved using The Original Handbook
 Of Football.
 
 WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FIELD (if you're not on the field, get on)
 
 your    10 yard line ............. holding hands
 "       20 yard line ............. hugging
 "       30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek
 "       40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips
         MIDFIELD     ............. tongue kissing (serious territory)
 his/her 40 yard line ............. shirt and bra off
 "       30 yard line ............. all clothes off
 "       20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)
         1ST AND GOAL ............. put on the condom
         GOAL LINE    ............. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)
 
 NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FIELD, HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT
 DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE.
 
 kickoff...................making the first move (asking for a date)
 kicking it deep...........Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out deep in
                           your own end)
 on-side kick..............Asking out a slut (starting near midfield, on-side
			   kicks are good if they work, but are risky)
 kick return...............How far you get on the first date
 
 NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE, THE KICKOFF IS OVER
 AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS. HERE'RE SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU.
 
 Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards (get further with her)
                           Here in Canada you get two downs and then your best
                           kick, i.e., ask out a new girl cause you ain't
                           getting further with this one. Americans are more 
                           patient; they get three downs before they should
			   kick again.
 Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time.
 Passing Play..............Skipping stages
 
 UH OH
 
 Fumble....................Impotence
 Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection
 Interception..............Homosexuality (YOU'RE GOING THE OTHER WAY!)
 
 OTHER DEFINITIONS
 
 Turnover..................Anal sex
 Field Goal................One of you orgasm, 3 pts (Field goal range begins
                           around their 30, when the clothes are off!)
 Touchdown.................Mutual orgasm, 6 pts
 Extra Point...............The smoke afterwards
 Two Point Conversion......Smoke and a Phone number
 High Scoring Game.........Multiple Orgasms
 Rain Delay................Parents/Roommate comes home
 Pile Up...................ORGY
 Missed Field Goal.........Wide right, Wide left or even worse, too short! 
 3RD down and inches.......Call for a measurement (Move those Yardsticks)
 
 THE OFFENSE
 
 Quarterback...............The most important position, the missionary
 Quarterback Sneak.........Unusual positions
 Center (HUPPER)...........Doggie Style
 Running Back..............A hand-off
 Tight End.................Self-explanatory
 Wide Receiver.............Opposite of Tight End
 Nose Tackle...............(Use Your Imagination)
 
 DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)
 
 Defensive Line............Condom
 Break in the defense......Condom breaks
 The Safety................The Pill (just to be safe)
 A Blitz...................A "Quickie"
 
 PENALTIES
 
 Roughing..................S & M
 Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints
 Offside...................Premature Ejaculation
 
 THE BOWLS
 
 Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)
 Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex
 Peach Bowl................Juicy/Wet Sex
 Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America
 Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance)
 
 SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE HOW TO USE
 THEM. HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFUL THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL
 REALLY IS.
 
 1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it
    turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover.
 
 2. There was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to midfield but
    then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work
    because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their 10
    yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the
    Quarterback who did a Quarterback sneak. The game turned out to be the
    highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!
 
 3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup.
 
 4. It was third down and inches on the 20 yard line but on the field goal
    attempt I was short.
 
 I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED OUR JOURNEY THROUGH THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL
 AND YOU HAVE NOT ONLY HAD A CHUCKLE BUT WILL PASS IT ON TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS
 YOU KNOW SO THAT ONE DAY THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL WILL REPLACE THE
 OLD, OUTDATED, INEFFICIENT, NO LONGER FUNNY STANDARDIZED GUIDE TO THE BASES.