HOW TO STAY STRESSED

 * STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT: Anyone as stressed as you must be working
   very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.

 * IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY: Anyone as
   busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional attachments to
   anyone. And let's face it - you're not much fun to be around anyway.

 * IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES: Obviously, you are too stressed to be
   given any more work. This gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores;
   let someone else take care of them.

 * IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS: Why risk being successful, when by simply being
   stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level
   low enough that success won't ever be a threat.

 * IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH: Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and
   you can give yourself a 'hit' any time you choose. But, be careful. You
   might get addicted to your own adrenaline.

 * STRESS ALSO HELPS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE: The
   authoritarian style of 'just do what I say!' is generally permissible under
   crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere,
   you can justify an authoritarian style all of the time.

 AND here's HOW to stay stressed:

 * NEVER EXERCISE: Exercise wastes a lot of the time that could be spent
   worrying.

 * EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT: Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a
   balanced diet isn't likely to, either.

 * GAIN WEIGHT: Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended
   weight.

 * TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS: The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar,
   and cola will continue to do the job just fine.

 * AVOID 'WOO-WOO' PRACTICES: Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation,
   yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The
   Protestant work ethic is good for everyone, Protestant or not.

 * GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM: Let the few friends who are willing
   to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you
   have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be
   your friends, avoid them.

 * PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM: Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work,
   family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take the
   time to listen. Be offended, then return the attack!

 * THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR: Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and
   it shouldn't be treated as one.

 * MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO: Never ask for any help, and if you want
   it done right, do it yourself!

 * BECOME A WORKAHOLIC: Put work before everything else, and be sure to take
   work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are
   for sissies.

 * DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS: Schedule more activities every day than
   you can possibly get done, then worry about it all whenever you get a
   chance.

 * PROCRASTINATE: Putting things off to the last second always produces a
   marvelous amount of stress.

 * WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL: Worry about the stock market,
   earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age. You know, all the big issues.

 * BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS: and
   either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and or
   inadequate when you don't meet them.