YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN:

- You answer the door before people knock.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the
  timer.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even
  work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend".
- Cocaine is a downer.
- All your kids are named "Joe".
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low".
- You don't sweat; you percolate.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says "How are you?" you say "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a
  coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar".
- You get drunk just so you can sober up.
- Your Thermos is on wheels.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to
  get you in the mood.
- You help your dog chase its tail.