Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like
one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp."
      --Bob Ettinger
 
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than
men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
      --Conan O'Brien
 
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single
file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn
slower?"
      --Warren Hutcherson
 
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are
okay, then it's you."
      --Rita Mae Brown
 
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either."
      --Dick Cavett
 
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
      --Rita Rudner
 
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war... Pretty
impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife
they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle
openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go! You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's
got a spoon. Back off! I've got the toe clippers right here!'"
      --Jerry Seinfeld
 
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner..."
      --Lynda Montgomery
 
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
      --Marilyn Pittman
 
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know,
her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind
of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.'
Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"
      --Garry Shandling
 
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
      --Paul Rodriguez
 
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing
up really fast."
      --Johnathan Katz
 
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal
family knew someone in the Royal family?"
      --Robin Williams
 
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept
God's final word on where your lips end."
      --Jerry Seinfeld