WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN - "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white." "It's a guy thing." Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical nor understanding it so go away and quit nagging me and asking questions." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means... absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling. "Good idea." Really means... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating." "Have you lost weight?" Really means... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill." "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means... "She's heard all my stories before, and she doesn't buy them anymore." "I got a lot done." Really means... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture." "We're going to be late." Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac, and it kind of excites me." "Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972." "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too." "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means... "I was wondering if that redhead with the big boobs over there is wearing a bra." "It's a really good movie." Really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear." "Will you marry me?" Really means... "Both my roommates have moved out. I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "What did I do this time?" Really means... "What did you catch me at and where did I screw up in covering my tracks?" "What do you mean you need new clothes?" Really means... "You've got more clothes in your closet than the Chinese army and most of it has only been worn once, and that was in the dressing room at the mall." "She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means... "She refused to make my coffee." "But I hate to go shopping." Really means... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse and looking whipped." "No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means... "You may actually get it to start." "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions." "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "I brought you a present." Really means... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.. "No one will ever see us alive again, but I'm not stopping for directions because you'll get that damn, head tilted, I-told-you-so look on your face and I'll have to hit you in the head with a shovel." "We share the housework." Really means... "I make the messes, she cleans them up. It's all part of the delicate balance of nature." "I recycle." Really means... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties." "Of course I like it, honey. You look beautiful." Really means... "Oh, God, what have you done to yourself?" "It sure snowed last night." Really means... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now." "It's good beer." Really means... "It was on sale." "I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one." "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window." "I broke up with her." Really means... "She dumped me, that lying, coniving, man hating, frigid, backstabber dumped me... and I'm going to get drunk and keep calling her until she takes me back."