It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert where
he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh Commandment - "Find water!" -
is no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were not
really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very
dehydrated when he delivered them.

                         The Ten Suggestions

1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods besides
   me.

2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop
   class.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy God in vain without the express
   written consent of Adonai thy God. The name "Adonai thy God" is the sole
   property of Adonai thy God. Any use of the name of Adonai thy God without
   the express written unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Adonai
   thy God.

4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.

5. Honor thy single parent.

6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.

8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing before
   Judge Wapner.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his
    powertools.

"He who gives a coin to the poor is rewarded with six blessings, but he who
makes a pledge to charity receives a free tote bag."
               The Extremely Reform Talmud

"Thou shalt not stand outside the synagogue on the High Holy Days scalping thy
tickets to the services."
               The Extremely Reform Ethics of the Fathers

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you
must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than
16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that
even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't.
Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light
snacking. (You can invent your own, e.g. the Extremely Reform Festival of the
Pretzel Sticks.) Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special
days, e.g. Ash Wednesday, on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off.
This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed
out.

Survival Tip Number 6: No, You Don't Have to Know Hebrew. (Showing Up For
Services Is Sufficiently Amazing.) A question commonly asked by Extremely
Reform Jews is, "Must I pray in Hebrew?" No, and wipe that look of terror off
your face. Fluency in Hebrew, of course, is vital to the proper understanding
of Israeli truck driver insults. On the other hand, a famous Hungarian Rabbi
used to conduct his prayer services entirely in Hungarian. This does not mean
you have to learn either Hebrew or Hungarian.

               Basic Extremely Reform Hebrew

"Shabbat Shalom!" -- "Good Sabbath!"

"Ha Goldfarberim kanu yachta." -- "The Goldfarbs bought a yacht."

During the week encourage young children to work on a Jewish craft or project
to present on the Sabbath.

Make Your Own Yarmulke (An Extremely Reform Craft Project)

Step 1. Find an old Mickey Mouse hat.

Step 2. Tear off the ears.

* Note: In general, Nintendo is not considered a "Jewish Craft."