Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
 A. One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
 
 Q. What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
 A. After you're dead, a tick will drop off.
 
 Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have
    a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
 A. Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
 
 Q. How does a pregnant woman know when she's carrying a future lawyer?
 A. She has a craving for bologna.
 
 Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
 A. Cut the rope.
 
 Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
 A. His lips are moving.
 
 Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters to lawyers?
 A. It's called Sosumi.
 
 Q. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
 A: Take your foot off his head.
 
 Q. What's the stuff you squeeze out of zits?
 A. Baby lawyers.
 
 Q. Why do lawyers wear neckties?
 A. To keep the foreskin from coming up over their heads.
 
 Q. Why don't lawyers ever get eaten by sharks?
 A. Professional courtesy.
 
 Q. Why do so many lawyers have broken noses?
 A. From chasing parked ambulances.
 
 Q. Why is a dumb lawyer like an alcoholic?
 A. Because he can't pass the bar.
 
 Q. Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most
    toxic-waste dumps? 
 A. Because New Jersey had first choice.
 
 Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
 A. In the cemetery.
 
 Q. What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
 A. Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.
 
 Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
 A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
 
 Q. What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
 A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
 
 Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
 A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
 
 Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake roadkill?
 A. There are skid marks in front of the snake.
 
 Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a mugger?
 A. A mugger uses a gun.
 
 Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
 A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
 
 Q. What's the best way to save a marriage?
 A. Go out and price a few divorce lawyers!
 
 Q. What is the first thing you should do after running over a lawyer?
 A. Back up.
 
 Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
 A. A doberman pinscher.
 
 Q. What do you throw a drowning lawyer?
 A. His partners.
 
 Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
 A. An offer you can't understand.
 
 Q. What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
 A. All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.
 
 Q. What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
 A. A good start!
 
 Q. What did the lawyer say when he stepped into a pile of cow shit?
 A. "Oh my God, I'm melting!"
 
 Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
 A. Stick his bill up his ass.
 
 Q. If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men called?
 A. A law firm.