I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in
 terror like his passengers.
 -unknown

 I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've
 experienced pain and bought jewelry.
 -Rita Rudner

 I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl
 at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
 -Jay Leno

 The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
 you're off it.
 -Jackie Gleason

 Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
 -Red Buttons

 I date this girl for two years - and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know
 your name."
 -Mike Binder

 Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to
 get money from it.
 -Stephen Leacock

 Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when
 you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
 -Steve Bluestone

 Have you ever noticed anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
 going faster than you is a maniac?
 -George Carlin

 You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
 day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
 -Ellen DeGeneris

 I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
 -Carol Leifer

 I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my
 arms instead.
 -Sue Kolinsky

 The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
 dead in otherwise.
 -Roger Simon

 You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll
 be afraid to cough.
 -Pearl Williams

 Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army
 instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for
 seventy-five cents.
 -Billiam Coronel

 Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
 robbery has just taken place.
 -Johnny Carson

 It's not hard to tell we were poor - when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on
 the clothesline.
 -George Lindsey

 Never moon a werewolf.
 -Mike Binder

 If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
 -George Gobel