EMPLOYER TALK
 =============
 
 ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You'll be making under $7 an hour.
 
 ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You'll be making under $7 an
 hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
 
 AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY: We want you to get your hopes up, but
 there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
 
 PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a
 profit.
 
 COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
 
 JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to
 introduce yourself to your co-workers.
 
 NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but
 we haven't done anything innovative since.
 
 IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month
 ago. We're just now running the ad.
 
 SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not going to supply you
 with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first
 commission check.
 
 SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won't answer questions.
 
 WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500
 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
 
 PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS: After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own
 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
 
 SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD-WORKING PEOPLE: ...who still live with their
 parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
 
 CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;
 well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
 
 COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.
 
 EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT: Guys in gray suits will bore you
 with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
 
 JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
 
 FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT: Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with
 them.
 
 A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT: We booze it up at company parties.
 
 MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first
 day.
 
 SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get
 us out of it.
 
 SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
 
 SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k: We'll offer you $22k to start.
 
 A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION: You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
 
 FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
 
 DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
 
 WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED: Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that
 is.
 
 MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
 
 COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying
 something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
 
 NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a
 legal formality.
 
 SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to
 replace three people who just left.
 
 PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual
 chaos.
 
 REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a
 manager, without the pay or respect.
 
 GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out
 what they want and do.
 
 ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.
 
 ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY: We loooooove brown-nosers.
 

 APPLICANT SPEAK
 ===============
 
 I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm
 not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
 
 I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION AND ORGANIZATIONAL
 SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
 
 I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft
 Office.
 
 I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
 
 MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the
 McJobs I've had.
 
 I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
 
 I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the
 lunch room.
 
 I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them
 badly.
 
 I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
 
 I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
 
 I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
 
 MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for
 someone more experienced.
 
 I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
 
 I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
 
 I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta
 there.
 
 I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.
 
 I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
 
 THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!
 
 I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath
 waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me
 luck in my future career.