Title: The World's Greatest Smoke Off
 
 In the laid back California town of sunny San Raphael
 Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake,
 You probably knew her well
 She was stoned 15 of her 18 years
 And her story was widely told,
 That she could smoke 'em faster
 Than any dude could roll

 Well her legend finally reached New York
 That grove street walk up flat
 Where dwelt the Calistoge Kid,
 a beatnik from the past
 He'd been rolling dope since time began
 And he took a cultured toke and said
 "Jim, I can roll 'em faster than any chick can smoke"

 So a note gets sent to San Raphael
 For the Championship of the World
 The Kid demands a smoke off
 "Well bring him on" sayz Pearl
 "I'll grind his fingers off his hands,
 he'll roll until he drops"
 Sayz Calistoge "I'll smoke that chick 'til she blows up and pops"

 So they rent out Yankee Stadium
 And the word is quickly spread
 Come one come all, who walk or crawl
 Tickets just two lids a hit
 And from every town in Hamlet
 Over land and sea they speed
 The World's greatest dopers
 With the World's greatest weed

 Hashishes from Morocco
 Hemp smokers from Peru
 And the Shashnicks from Bagoon, who smoke the deadly Pugaroo
 And those who call it 'Light of Life'
 And those that call it 'Boo'

 See the dealers and their ladies
 Wearing turquoise, lace, and leather
 See the narcos and the closet smokers
 Puffing all together
 From the teenies who smoke legal
 To the ones who've done some time
 To the old man who smoked reefer, back before it was a crime

 And the 'Grand Old House That Ruth Built'
 Is filled with the smokes and cries
 Of 50,000 screamin' heads, all stoned out of their minds
 And they play the National Anthem
 And the crowd lets out a roar
 As the spotlight hits the Kid and Pearl
 Ready for their smokin' warrrr...

 At a table piled up high with grass, high as a mountain peak
 Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers
 Not one stem, branch or seed
 I mean a Maui, a Wowie, a Panama Red, Alcopoco Gold
 Keef from East Afghanistan, and that rare Alaska cold
 And there are sticks from Thailand, Games from the Islands
 And Bangkok's bloomin' best,
 And some of that wet imported shit, that capsized off Keywest
 There's Wahaukan tops, and Kenya bang, and Riveria fluors
 And that rare Manhatten Silver that grows down in the New York sewers
 And there's bubbling ice cold lemonade, and sweet grapes by the bunches
 And there's Hershey bars, and Oreos in case anybody gets the muchies

 And the Calistoge Kid he smiles
 And Pearly she just grins
 And the drums roll low, And the crowd yells 'go go go'
 And the Worlds first Smoke Off begins...

 Well the Kid he flicks his fingers once, ZAP that first joints rolled
 Pearl takes one toke with her famous lungs, and WHOOSH that roach is cold
 Then the Kid he rolls his superbomb that would paralyze a moose
 And Pearl takes one mighty hit, <inhale sound> that bombs diffused
 And then He rolls three in just ten seconds
 And she smokes 'em up in nine
 And everybody sits back and sayz "This just might take some time."

 See the blur of flying fingers,
 See the red coal burning bright
 As the night turns into morning, and the morning fades to night
 And the Autumn turns to Summer
 And a whole damned year is gone
 And the two still sit, on that roach filled stage
 Smokin' and rollin' on...

 With tremblin hands, he rolls his J's
 With fingers blue and stiff
 She coughs <coughing> and stares
 With bloodshot gaze and puffs through blistered lips
 And as she reaches out her hands for another stick of gold
 The Kid he gasps "Damnit bitch, theres nothin' left to roll"
 "Nothing left to roll!" screams Pearl, "Is this some twisted joke.
 I didn't come here to fuck around, Man I come here to smoke."

 And she reaches 'cross the table, and grabs his boney sleeves
 And crumbles his body between her hands, like dry and brittle leaves
 Flickin' out his teeth and bones, like useless stems and seeds
 And then she rolls him in a Zigzag, and lights him like a roach
 And the fastest man, with the fastest hands, goes up in a puff of smoke

 In the laid back California town of sunny San Raphael
 Lives a girl named Pearly Sweetcake,
 You probably know her well
 She been stoned 21 of her 24 years
 And her story is still widely told,
 How she still can smoke 'em faster
 Than any dude could roll

 Way off in New York City
 On a street that has no name,
 There's the hands of the Calistoge Kid
 In the Viper Hall of Fame
 And underneath his fingers,
 There's a little golden scroll
 That sayz:

 "Beware of being the roller, when there's nothing left to roll."