True Fact: There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo. [Population: 78% female.] Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A. A stick. Q. Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? A. They all have phones. Subscriber story: My friend's British boyriend had this friend who was having anal sex with his girlfriend on his parent's couch. Suddenly, they heard the door opening and got nervous, because the parents were home. He pulled out really fast and something nasty happened. It created some kind of suction and pulled the shit out of her ass onto the couch! So they quickly got dressed and left the mound of shit on the couch. The mom walked in and was like, "There is feces on the couch!!!" She was all pissed, and the kid did not know what to do. So he was like, "I think the dog pooped on the couch." The mom got all flustered and pissed and said, "That dog is getting to be too much. I can't take it anymore." So she went and had the dog put to sleep the next day. Q. What has wings and sucks blood? A. Maxi Pad. A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands spreadlegged on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up but she has landed so hard her pussy has stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she can't move. She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge. "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her and lift me up that way?" she asks. "Great idea," says the husband, "but just let me rub your tits a little." "Why?" asks the confused housewife. "So I can slide you into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there." Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the Spice Girls? A. They're going to call her Old Spice. Q. How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital ward? A. He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan. It's the spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling. He's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!" Q. How do you make a cat drink? A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet. His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need an operation or something?" Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that everytime I go into a public restroom, and I'm taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, 'Hey! Are you Sean Connery?'" Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. Q. What is a zebra? A. 26 sizes larger than "A" bra. An elementary school teacher was visiting the zoo on her day off when she walked past the lion's cage and was amazed by what she saw. The king of the jungle was sleeping peacefully alongside several lambs. Recognizing the possibilities of teaching the true meaning of coexistence to her students she sought out the zoo director. "How did you ever manage to acomplish such an extraordinary alliance?" she asked. "It's actually quite simple, Madam," the director replied. "We just add a few fresh lambs every now and then." Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton? A. Place to hang their air freshener. Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. "See ya." Q. What is the first thing a brunette hears in the morning? A. "Sssshh... I have to call my wife." Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water." Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?" Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water." Q. What did the doctor say to the prostitute? A. Stay out of bed for two days. Q. Did you hear about the new Marilyn Monroe stamp? A. When you lick it, you feel like one of the Kennedys. Q. What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" A. It's raining cats and dogs. Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A. A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into." Q. How do you identify a bald eagle? A. All his feathers are combed over to one side. Q. Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature? A. Because spray paint wasn't invented `till 1949. A redneck husband died and left everything to his wife. He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14. A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight." If Russia invaded Turkey from behind, would Greece help? The wife wants to try the missionary position. Her on top, me in Africa. Q. Why did the homosexual suspect his live-in lover had been cheating on him? A. Because he came home shit-faced. The doctor entered the waiting room. "I have some good news for you, Mrs. Douglas." "Pardon me," she interrupted, "but it's Miss." "The doctor said, "I have some bad news for you, Miss Douglas." Two cannibals were eating dinner, when one turns to the other and says, "I hate my mother-in-law." The other one says to him, "So try the mashed potatoes instead." A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber." Q. Did you hear that Christopher Reeve is coming out with a new movie? A. He is playing "Bernie" in Weekend at Bernie's Part 3. Q. What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A. Receding hareline. A couple met on a golf course, and fell in love. A few weeks later, the guy said, "It's only fair to warn you I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, breath, and sleep golf." The lady said, "Since we are being honest here, I have something to tell you. I'm a Hooker." The guy looked down to ground, and thought for a minute, and then looked up and said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball." Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. Q. Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? A. He strained himself. Ralph goes into a fancy restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So Ralph goes back to his car and looks in the glove compartment for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. Upon checking his trunk, Ralph sees a set of jumper cables. In desperation he ties the cables around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the clamp ends just dangle free. Ralph, obviously wondering if his 'creative' tie will pass muster, returns to the restaurant... The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, OK, mister. I guess you can come in now... Just don't start anything."