WASHINGTON, DC - Adolescents across the nation were thrilled by the U.S.
Sex Department's announcement Monday that a new base will soon be added.
According to Sex Department spokesperson Pat Phelps, the added base will
immediately follow second, the touching of breasts, and precede third, the
touching of genitals. The new base will involve "the sliding of the hand
between the butt cheeks." Sex officials stressed that the base would only be
considered reached if the plane of the outer buttocks is broken by the edge of
the hand. Baltimore resident Todd Kerr, 15, reported reaching the new base
Tuesday with Suzy Hebert, 14, but U.S. sex officials are disputing the claim,
asking Kerr to "prove it."