Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the
airlines...

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry, folks, for the hard
landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was
the asphalt."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no," said the pilot. "Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or were we shot down?"

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware,
our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like
to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open
the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during
our so called 'touch down'."

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that
the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belt fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."