A Florida chapter of the Ku Klux Klan is threatening to sue after being
denied permission to participate in the state's "Adopt-a-Highway" cleanup
program. "Really, we're just like the Lions or the Elks," said Grand Wizard
Jeff Coleman. Well, except for the lynchings...

    Santa Barbara County bomb squad members Tuesday blew up a foot-long metal
pipe with caps on both ends, laying in the middle of Donovan Road believing it
could be a bomb. It wasn't, but city fire Battalion Chief Jack Owen Jr.
explained that "if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we blow it
up..."

    A judge in London, England has thrown out extortion charges against Martin
Kamara, after it was revealed that he had been the only black in the police
lineup. In an effort to make the identification process fair, the eight white
men in the lineup were made up in blackface. Said Kamara, "I felt like singing
'Mammy'..."

    Police in Los Angeles had better luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man to
repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!" 

    A delicatessen in Plauen, Germany is offering a reward of 110 pounds of
salami for information leading to the arrest of whoever has been robbing the
premises. The deli owner, whose shop has been robbed nine times, explained that
he no longer has enough cash for a more conventional reward. "All I have left
is salami..." 

    A woman won the job of gravedigger in Prato, Italy when all 10 male
candidates for the post fainted after exhuming a body. Efforts to find suitable
staff had been compounded by an error in the official job advertisement, which
called for "necrophiliacs."

    A man in Virginia who cut off his own hand with a power saw has lost his $3
million lawsuit against doctors at Norfolk General Hospital. Thomas Passmore
said that the doctors should have known he was psychotic when he told them he
had cut off his hand because it was possessed by the devil, and should have
ignored his refusal to let them sew it back on.

    Motorists who kill cats must make an effort to locate the animal's owner or
report the death to police under a bill signed into law this week. Failing to
report a fatal animal accident could mean a $100 fine. There is a special
exemption for people who run over cast members of the Broadway show "Cats."
They can just keep on driving.

    A woman in Bridgeport, Connecticut is suing the Nabisco company for
emotional distress after she chewed on a bloody band-aid mixed in with her
Cheese Nips.

    And Raymond Bills of West Branch, Michigan has filed a lawsuit against
McDonald's after receiving a cup of bleach instead of iced tea at the drive-
through window. No, I said a SMALL McBleach and NO bloody Cheese Nips.

    In Harrisburg, Illinois, a jury has awarded $900,000 to four female
cashiers after they were strip-searched by managers looking for a missing $50.
And the worst part is, after it was over, they had to put those stupid uniforms
back on.

    Five people died at a party in Cali, Columbia this week after drinking a
"toxic cocktail" containing cocaine, marijuana, amphetamines, and "sugar cane
based firewater." Remember, don't mix dangerous drugs. Take each dangerous drug
separately.

    A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized this week after swallowing 46
teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

    According to the Associated Press, half the young black men in the District
of Columbia are under criminal-justice supervision on any given day. The
obvious answer is more police...

    A Miami man was shot by police this week for wearing a sock. After
receiving reports of an armed man in the area, 14 police officers surrounded
Bobby Whipple, who had put a sock on his hand while working on his car. The
officers opened fire after repeatedly warning Whipple to "put his weapon down."
Said a spokesman for the Metro-Dade Police Department, "At this point, we don't
have any indication that the officers acted inappropriately."

    Another Miami police officer is on leave after shooting a homeless man
armed with a toy gun. Augusto Melendez spoke no English, and may not have
understood the officer's warning.

    Police in Chicago are no dummies. No, wait... The Illinois State Police
have been using unmanned patrol cars to slow drivers, but lately speeders are
getting wise. This week, the ISP began placing mannequins in the cars, dressed
in regulation brown uniforms. At this point, we don't have any indication that
the mannequins have acted inappropriately.

    After five years of pondering the hazards of the common five-gallon bucket,
the Consumer Product Safety Commission decided not to require all buckets to be
redesigned to make them safer for children. The commission agreed instead to
let manufacturers spend $500,000 warning the public that children might fall
in.

    In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his
college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business
grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not
have happened..." 

    In a landmark legal case, a state appeals court in North Carolina has ruled
that "mooning" is legal. OK, judge, here's what I think of that decision...