Subject: Hi! Please read me and dont ignore me!

Thanks.

Now that i've got your atention, i wanted to tell you that i find your world
wide web offending.

First, you have the "MICROSOFT WINDOWS NIT WIT 4.0" screen. I use NT and don't
thjink i'm a nitwit at all. I looked it up and saw how offending this word is.

I have talked to a attorny and was told i can't sue you, so your lucky this
time. I looked at it some more, though, and was shocked.

How could yolu make fun of wiondows 95? This program saved computers as we know
it! Windows 95 is the best thing to happen to computers.

You take copyrighted stuff and use it with no permission! I'm writing to
microsoft and men in black about your microsopft is back picutre! Microsoft was
never gone, so i don't get it anyway but the movie had nothing to do with
computers even if it was a stupid movie im still letting them know that you
ripped them off with there picture!!!

It's because of people like you that the united states of america is messed up
with criminals shooting people every day. First you start out stealing
puictures on a computer then you steal money then you steal cars then you kill
someone. At least when that happens, california has a dead penalty for killers
like your going to be unless you stop which is why i want to stop you even if i
have to get somebody to sue you to stop you from stealing pictures then cars
and money and murdering somebody over a cheap pair of shoes.

If you read this this far, dont be mad at me. Remember im saving your life so
you should thank me rather than curse me at the top of your lungs.

Your friend

Jim Rohrszweikenstein

ps you can use my name im not afraid to hide behind the mask of anonomissness
(sp?). just dont use my email cuz i get enough email from girls wanting me to
visit there disgusting world wide web.

* * * * * *

(My Reply)

Jim,

Thank you very much for your note. I do appreciate hearing from folks who visit
my site.

In your letter you say "your world wide web", well unfortunately I have to
inform you it's no longer "my world wide web", I had to sell it. People kept
messing up the chat areas and not cleaning up after themselves. Although I
still own Usenet, would you be interested in buying it?

On your comment about my Windows Nit Wit graphic you misunderstood the point of
the term Nitwit. I meant it as a compliment to the system. It is so user-
friendly even a Nitwit could use it. Although, I think the spell checker
function is still a challenge to some.

When you say you contacted an attorney I really wish he had said that you could
sue me. I have been reading a lot of John Grisham's books lately and I think I
am ready to defend myself in court. Please *do* sue me, and maybe I can get
Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock to be on my defense team!

You will get no argument from me that Windows 95 is the best thing to happen to
computers. I think Windows 95 is God's gift to computing. I think it was a
divine inspiration that caused Microsoft to create it. Ever since I've been
using Windows 95 I think I have prayed and used God's name more than I ever did
before. Daily prayers like: "Oh God, please don't let it crash again." and
"Jesus Christ, what do you mean 'has caused a general default error?'".

You're right. I do use copyrighted materials in my parodies. Sometimes so
called "white collar" crime like copyright infringement can lead to violent
consequences. Why, just the other day I was making 30 illegal Xerox copies of a
Dilbert cartoon at work while one of my co-workers waited to run off some
reports for a department meeting. When he suggested that perhaps he could copy
his documents first, since they were for work, I almost killed him right then
and there. I had my hand on the Swiss Army Knife I keep on my key chain but
stopped when I noticed his shoes. He had a pair of really nice Bruno Mali
Italian calf-skin loafers. Instead I just waited until after work, followed him
home, and hit him over the head and took his shoes. The shoes are a little
tight, but look really nice.

Friend, friend, you have saved my life! I have seen the error of my ways! I
will stop all this joke graphic insanity! I feel I must somehow repay you for
your helping me. Perhaps I can send you a gift. What size shoes do you wear?

Best Regards,
Steve Kremer