The Heuristic Squelch Dating Guide

What They say:                          What They Mean:
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"Did you come?"                         "Because I didn't."

"I have something to tell you."         "Get tested."

"I'm a Romantic."                       "I'm poor."

"I'll give you a call."                 "I'd rather have my nipples torn off
                                        by wild dogs than see you again."

"I never meant to hurt you."            "I thought you weren't a virgin."

"Trust me."                             "Let's just keep this between you and
                                        me, pumpkin."

"I love you."                           "God, what have I gotten myself into?"

"I think we should just be friends."    "You're ugly."

"Haven't I seen you before?"            "Nice ass."

"I want to make love."                  "I want to make love."

"Was it good for you?"                  "I'm insecure about my manhood."

"We need to talk."                      "I'm pregnant."

"I had a wonderful time last night."    "Who the hell are you?"

"I've been thinking a lot."             "You're not as attractive as when I was
                                        drunk."

"I've learned a lot from you."          "Next."

"I want a commitment."                  "I'm sick of masturbation."

"I think we should see other people."   "I have been seeing other people."

"Let's get married."                    "Does that mean we can do it now?"

"We don't have to do anything until     "Put out or get out."
you are ready"

"I feel it's time to express our love   "Give me head."
for each other."

"I still think about you."              "I miss the sex."

"Is there something wrong?"             "Is it supposed to be this soft?"

"You're so mature."                     "I hope you're eighteen."

"It's never been like this before."     "It's my first time."

"Yes... Yes... (scream!)"                "Aren't you done yet?"