Men, want to know where you stand in the rough-and-tumble, give-and-take world of relationships? Here's your scorecard from the Men's Journal of Health. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects - sorry, that's the way the game is played. Simple Duties ------------- You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car....................+1 You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.....................................-1 You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb....+1 You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away........................................................-1 You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.................+1 You leave dishes in the sink......................................-1 You leave them under the bed......................................-5 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings........................................................+5 But return with beer..............................................-5 You leave the toilet seat up......................................-1 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1 When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..........................................................-2 You make the bed..................................................+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You check out a suspicious noise at night..........................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...............+5 You pummel it with a six iron.....................................+10 It's her father...................................................-10 Social Engagements ------------------ You stay by her side the entire party..............................0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy............................................-2 Named Tiffany.....................................................-4 Tiffany is a dancer...............................................-6 Tiffany has implants..............................................-8 When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly..........................................................+1 When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump...........................................-5 When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"........................................+1 When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"..............................................................-6 That woman is her sister..........................................-90 You have one drink, and that's it..................................0 You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle......-2 You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted....-18 Things Of A Disgusting Nature ----------------------------- You unclog a stopped-up toilet....................................+6 You clean up cat, dog or human vomit..............................+7 You get rid of a dead rodent......................................+8 You remove the collie from the thresher...........................+12 You take her mother to see Cats...................................+16 Saturday Afternoon ------------------ You go to the mall together.......................................+3 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car...........................................................+4 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar...................................................-2 You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it................................................................+3 You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional..........................................................0 You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk.............+3 Most of it chips and beer.........................................-6 You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den....+15 Or refinishing the floors.........................................+16 Or rewiring the basement..........................................+17 Or adding a second floor..........................................+18 Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket......-6 And you're tickled pink about it..................................-15 You visit her parents.............................................+1 You visit her parents and actually make conversation..............+3 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........-3 And the television is off.........................................-6 You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear.......-6 And you didn't even go to college.................................-10 And it's not your underwear.......................................-15 Her Birthday ------------ You take her out to dinner.........................................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..............+1 Okay, it is a sports bar..........................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night....................................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......................-10 You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player......+3 You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing..........................................................+4 And you stink.....................................................+2 And you're not half bad...........................................+5 You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause..............................................-2 You give her a gift................................................0 You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance...................-10 You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance...............+1 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.......................+2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months..........+30 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........-10 With her credit card..............................................-30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big......................-40 Thoughtfulness -------------- You forget her birthday completely................................-10 You forget your anniversary.......................................-20 You forget to pick her up at the bus station......................-25 Which is in Newark, New Jersey....................................-35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.......................-50 A Night Out With The Boys ------------------------- Go out with a pal.................................................-5 And the pal is happily married....................................-4 Or frighteningly single...........................................-7 And he drives a Trans Am..........................................-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED).....................-15 You have a few beers..............................................-9 And miss curfew by an hour........................................-12 You get home at 3 am..............................................-20 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...........-30 And not wearing any pants.........................................-40 Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200 Her Night Out ------------- You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends...........................................................+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late.........................................................+10 You wait up.......................................................+15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...............................................................+20 She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom..........................+25 Which you clean up................................................+35 A Night At Home --------------- You watch TV together..............................................0 You rent a movie..................................................+1 You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY.....................+3 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............+5 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep......................-1 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............-2 A Night Out ----------- You take her to a movie...........................................+2 You take her to a movie she likes.................................+4 You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)...+6 You take her to a movie you like..................................-2 It's called DeathCop 3............................................-7 Which features cyborgs having sex.................................-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs.........................................................-15 Flowers ------- You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........+5 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself..........+10 And she contracts Lyme disease....................................-25 Your Physique ------------- You develop a noticeable potbelly.................................-15 You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it..............+10 You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...................................................-5 Grooming -------- You trim your nails...............................................+5 You trim your nails in the living room............................-10 You trim your nails and flick them at the cat.....................-15 You shave on the weekends.........................................+2 You don't shave on the weekends...................................-4 You don't bathe on the weekends either............................-8 But then, neither does she........................................+8 Finances -------- You spend a lot of money on something impractical.................-5 Something she can't use...........................................-10 Such as a motorized model airplane................................-20 And your kid needs braces.........................................-30 In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120 Driving ------- You lose the directions on a trip.................................-4 You lose the direction and end up getting lost....................-10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town.....................-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal................................................-25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt..................-60 The Big Question ---------------- She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding........................................-10 You reply, "Where?"...............................................-25 Communication ------------- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression.............................0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...........+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV....+10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.................-10