From Joe Bob at the Drive In

By Joe Bob Brigs

"Making Love to the Same Person Forever"

    You know what burns my bacon? It's when they release the movie to video
before it ever plays at the drive-in. I was wandering through Zeke's Bait &
Video a couple weeks ago and I came across this flick called "Playboy's Secrets
of Making Love to the Same Person Forever" and I went "Whoa! Which person are
they talking about!" And Zeke didn't know diddly squat about it, and so I ended
up taking it home, thinking that it might enhance my performance, if you know
what I mean and I think you do. Not that I'm worried. And it did. It changed my
life. I've watched this movie four times now. It's hard to follow, cause it has
this psychiatrist woman with a breathy voice commenting on the proper way to do
the old El Flagrante Aardvarkus. The big problem, it seems, is finding the
time.

    The video solved this problem. Dr. Joy Davidson, the Marilyn Monroe sound
alike psychiatrist, said that all me and Wanda Bodine had to do was "plan a day
together" somewhere out in the boonies where we could relax and eat food "that
reminds you of your honeymoon trip to Maui." I knew they didn't mean us to take
that part literally, so I bought two giant mustard pretzels to remind us of a
convention I went to in Philadelphia.

    One thing I need to point out right here is that every romantic tip on the
video is illustrated by a Playboy Playmate with enormous dinglebobbers. So when
this lady shrink is saying stuff like "Focus closely" and "Allow all of your
senses to flourish" and "Be here right now - live in the moment," you're going
"Yeah! Move a little to the left! Yes I'm with you! Yeehaw!" But when you apply
it in real life, it's never quite the same. For example, in the video, this
particular section ends with hot sex in a rowboat.

    We tried the same thing out at Lake Grapvine, and Wanda got cited for
"disrupting a bass tournament." Also, we had to pick three fishing lures out of
her hiney. Other than that, it was pretty exciting.

    So we moved on to tip No 2: "Puttin the Spice Back Into a Routine Love
Life." I told Wanda this one was gonna, because what they suggest is you go out
to your backyard pool, put suntan lotion on each other and "let the child in
you emerge." First they want you doing it on the water, now they want you doing
it in the water.

    I went to target and got a pool for $24.95, but while I was blowing it up,
Wanda decided she didn't want to get romantic in my backyard, because both
sides of the pool would be touching the concrete steps on two other trailer
houses.

    We went to the next tip: "Re-creating Romance." This is a good one. The
video says you should set aside every Wednesday night, call each other up and
plan a meeting in some strange bar where you pretend like you're strangers. You
hire a black man to play the saxophone while you do pickup lines on each other,
go home in a limo and get a massage from a Chinese lady with long red
fingernails, then "bare yourself emotionally."

    This one was great for me. I set it all up. We agreed to act like we were
strangers. So when Wanda got there, I was using all my best "What's your sign?"
stuff on her - when in walks this strawberry blond with a couple of Fuji blimps
under her blouse, and so I said "Nice talking to you, babe. I'll call you." And
I picked up the strawberry blond, took her home in the limo. It was great.

    After I got out of the hospital, Wanda and I watched the rest of the video.
"Gaining Positive Sexual Power" is where the woman is supposed to act like a
stripper. We skipped this part. It didn't seem to apply to our situation, ever
since Wanda got the night job at Baby Doll's Topless on Northwest Highway.

    And finally, my favorite one was "Renewing Sensuality and Trust," where you
take a bath, blindfold each other, rub a strawberry all over the other person's
body, blow bubbles in their face, put an ice cube on 'em, tie their hands to
the bedposts and paint their legs. Well, now that I think about it, who hasn't
done that? I was hoping there would be some kinky stuff in there.

    We're talking 34 breasts. Multiple aardvarking. Rowboat sex. Underwear fu.
Suntan oil fu. Limo fu. Massage fu. Drive In Academy Award Nomination for Dr.
Joy Davidson, for saying "You may discover your romance has only begun" and for
Rhonda Miller who gets credit on this movie as "choreographer". Talk about your
dream jobs. Two stars. Joe Bob says check it out.