me: That's a mighty big meal you ordered there, Dan. Dan: That's OK. I'm not going to eat it anyway. me: You can't swing a dead cat in Chinatown without hitting a Dim Sum place. Dan: What kind of cat? me: No belt today, Dan? Dan: Well, I'm getting my hair cut. me: You're not wearing a belt because you're getting your hair cut? Dan: Well, I don't want to get it full of hair. Dan: Gav is a 4-letter word. Dan: Hey, What's that 'Sanyo' thing next to your TV? Me: That's a VCR, Dan. Dan: Oh. Dan: (hits me in the head with a tennis ball) Dan: (hits me in the head with a tennis ball) Me: Dan, stop that! Dan: Why? Dan: What are you doing? Me: I'm just scratching my head. Dan: Yeeeaaachhh! Me: Why did you say that? Dan: I don't know. Darren: I'm a Goober Boy! Dan: What's a Goober? Greg: It's a chocolate coated peanut. Dan: I thought it was snot. Micah: No, that's a booger. Dan: Oh, what's a goober? Me: Once I move I won't have any money. Dan: But they are moving you for free. Me: No, they're not. Dan: Well, you have to pay for it, but it's still free. Me: Are you going to that free dinner tonight? Dan: It's not free. It's from 4pm to 6pm. (Context: Said after walking into a leather bondage club in San Francisco, where patrons are being stripped naked, chained into restraints, and whipped) Dan: Aaah! People are smoking in here! (Context: The same leather bondage club) Me: Hey, Dan, want to strip naked and get whipped by a woman in leather? Dan: It's too cold. Dan: Hey, Darren, are you left handed? Darren: No. Dan: Oh, then you're just weird. Dan: You're looking unusually clean today, Gav. Dan: I'm going to have your hair analyzed and see if there's any arsenic in there. Gav: Arsenic? Where'd that come from? Dan: Napoleon. Dan: (out of the blue) OK. Well, do it! Scott: Do what, Dan? Dan: Oh, I forgot. Dan: Do you always leave your glasses on when you sleep? Scott: No. Dan: Well, does it make you feel less afraid of being tickled? Val: (referring to taking home a cake) My husband doesn't eat sweets. Dan: Put salt on it. Dan: Hey, what do all these stars in my output mean? Gav: It means the number doesn't match what you gave for its format. Dan: Ah! Very good, Gav! You are smarter than a monkey on a tightrope. Dan: Wouldn't it be nice if "fun" were a commodity to be bought and sold, like happiness? Dan: Why won't they put me on a postage stamp? Gav: Because you're not dead. Dan: They make exceptions. Gav: Answer this for me, though. The U.S. Postal Service has a whole series of stamps of "Classic American Dolls," but they don't include Barbie! Barbie is the single most popular doll on earth. Why doesn't she get recognition? Dan: Maybe it is because she is not dead? Dan: Did you tell Brett about your adventure? Gav: What adventure? Dan: The poker game last Saturday. Gav: That was an adventure? Dan: Well, you were sneezing. Gav: A sneeze is not an adventure, Dan. Dan: It was many sneezes. Dan: Hey, Gav, I want to thank you for last night. Gav: For what last night? Dan: For keeping in touch. Gav: Keeping in touch with what? Dan: Reality. Emily: No more alcohol for me. I have to drive. Dan: Yeah. Me, too. Gav: Dan, you don't have a car. Dan: I could rent one.