Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death." The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here." A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines. Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man! First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky; mine's still alive." Marriage is grand - and divorce is about 10 grand. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife, "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig." A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled, "It really works!" Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.