====================================================================== LIBRETTO for "Lament Del Cockroach" A mini-operetta for Nobel Laureates and mezzo-sopranos, in three acts. ====================================================================== The world premiere and only perfomance of "Lament Del Cockroach" took place at the Sixth First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, held at Sanders Theatre, Harvard University, on October 3, 1996. PESONNAE SELF-IMPORTANTE Opera Director: Margot McLaughlin Opera Producers: Sip Siperstein & Marc Abrahams Lyrics: Marc Abrahams and friends Music: Mozart, Bizet, Wagner & Handel Meteorite design and construction: Alan Symonds & Eric Workman Meteorite propulsion: Majordomo Gary Dryfoos & Minordomo James Mahoney Paper micrometeorite construction and propulsion: The balcony audience CAST Thelma, a cockroach: Margot McLaughlin Louise, a cockroach: Scientist/supermodel Symmetra (Deb Kreuze) Insects: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach & Wiliam Lipscomb Singing Plants: Caroline Taylor, Anna Sharma, Lisa Jahnig Mop Jockey: Doug Berman Narrator: Lisa Mullins Pianist: Greg Neal =============================================================================== ACT 1 (music adapted from Mozart's "Queen of the Night" from "The Magic Flute") =============================================================================== NARRATOR: Our opera takes place in the future. Various environmental disasters have caused most species to disappear. Now something mysterious has appeared in the sky. Look up there at the balcony [points at the balcony] and you'll see it. The object is heading toward the earth, and threatening everyone with extinction. All the insects are desperate to mate with the one species they think could survive ANYTHING - the cockroaches. It's a desperate time for everyone, cockroach and commoner alike. But there are only two cockroaches left, both females - Thelma LaRoach and her friend Louise. As Act One begins, the Insect Laureates are ogling Thelma. But Thelma believes that mating should be only for love. Her heart is not stirred by these loathesome insects. Join us, now, as Thelma yearns for a tall, dark, handsome cockroach. ------------------------ [THELMA to the INSECTS:] What shall I do? No roaches here to mate with, To propagate with. We're gonna be extinct - unless I mate with... No, no, I can't! I've often heard that bugs cannot be choosers, But you are just an ugly bunch of losers. I want a cockroach And nothing else will do. You creeps, get lost! You really make me sick. [THELMA trills] Ick! [INSECTS trill] THELMA: Yuk! [trills] These vile repulsive insects make me sick. I want a sexy cockroach... INSECTS: But that's an oxymoron. THELMA: Who'll simply drive me crazy. You only want me for my eggs. I want a cockroach... INSECTS: We want YOU! THELMA: Who'll hold me In his six hairy legs. I would ra-[trill]-ther... No! No! No! I'd rather be extinct Than mate with one of you. =========================================================== ACT 2 (music adapted from Bizet's "Habanera" from "Carmen") =========================================================== NARRATOR: As Act Two begins, the mysterious object in the sky draws closer. The insects are now desperate. They buzz around Thelma's friend Louise, each hoping that she will choose him as her mate. But Louise does not want to mate outside her species, because the offspring would be barren. Join us, now, as Louise expresses her contempt for these decrepit, droning insects. ------------------------ LOUISE (to the audience) See them scurry before my feet, Each one hoping that I will select Him and help his species compete. These puny specimens I must reject. Who wants bedbugs or lice or flies? Their filthy habits are beneath reproach. I do not like their compound eyes. What I crave now is a big black cockroach! LOUISE: Cockrooooooach! INSECTS (and PLANTS): Bug of darkness, what's your intent? LOUISE: Cockrooooooach! INSECTS (and PLANTS): You do entrance us with your sweet thorax! LOUISE: Cockrooooooach! INSECTS (and PLANTS): We are slaves to your subtle scent. LOUISE: Cockrooooooach! INSECTS (and PLANTS): Your pheromones are aphrodisiacs! INSECTS (and PLANTS) We're mad with love for this cockroach. She's even cuter than a rotten egg! But all she does is sing reproach. We each would settle for one hairy leg! Please mate with me! LOUISE (to the insects) Why should I mate with you? Your lifespan is just fifteen days. INSECTS (and PLANTS) Please mate with me! LOUISE (to the insects) Why should I mate with you? You like to sleep in mayonnaise. INSECTS (and PLANTS) Please mate with me! LOUISE No way will you get lucky. Don't dare you touch my carapace! INSECTS (and PLANTS) Please mate with me! LOUISE You bugs are just as yucky As something from the human race! ======================================================================= ACT 3 (music adapted from Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" and Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus") ======================================================================= NARRATOR: In the final, brief act, the mysterious object falls down from the sky. It is a meteorite from Mars, carrying bacteria that have been dead for a billion years. Alas, the cockroaches will never learn this interesting scientific fact - because they are about to go extinct. All the other insects will be unharmed, and they will celebrate with a new burst of song, dance, and evolution. Sit back and enjoy the thrilling conclusion to this epic tale of punctuated equilibrium! ------------------------ LOUISE and THELMA, assisted by PLANTS (as the meteorite descends slowly from the balcony toward the stage and EVERYONE floods on stage): [variations and repetitions of these phrases] What is that thing? What is that thing? Up in the sky? Up in the sky? We want to live! We want to live! No! We're going to die! We're going to die! Oh, darn. [Massive explosion sounds as the meteor kills THELMA and LOUISE. The BALCONY AUDIENCE launches a barrage of paper micrometoerites. The ENTIRE CAST and CREW of the ceremony floods onstage behind the PLANTS; they are carrying plastic pink flamingos.] PLANTS and EVERYONE (except THELMA and LOUISE): Halleluja! Halleluja! Halleluja, Halleluja! The roaches are gone! [repeat several times] [As this is being sung, EVERYONE EXCEPT THE ROACHES dances the Macarena.]