To My Dear Wife,
 
 During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
 succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.
 
 1.  The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
 2.  It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
 3.  Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
 4.  It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
 5.  It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
 6.  Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
 7.  The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 times
 8.  Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 times
 9.  Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7 times
 10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 times
 11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
 12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
 13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . .6 times
 14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 times
 15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
 16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 times
 17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19 times
 
 Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2
 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in
 the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2 times I
 had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I
 had hurt you because I felt you move.
 ______________________________________________________________________________
 
 To My Dear Husband,
 
 I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real
 reasons you did not get it more often than you did.
 
 1.  Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat. . . . . . 15 times
 2.  Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
 3.  Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
 4.  Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
 5.  Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
 6.  Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
 7.  Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
 8.  Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times
 9.  Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . .2 times
 10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 times
 11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . . 3 times
 12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . . 3 times
 13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . .2 times
 14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times
 15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
 16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times
 
 Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were
 fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I
 said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me
 move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!