ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES * Grandmother of eight makes hole in one * Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing * Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers * House passes gas tax onto senate * Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan * Two convicts evade noose, jury hung * William Kelly was fed secretary * Milk drinkers are turning to powder * Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted * Quarter of a million Chinese live on water * Farmer Bill dies in house * Iraqi head seeks arms Some become unintentionally suggestive: * Queen Mary having bottom scraped * Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? * Prostitutes appeal to Pope * Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over * NJ judge to rule on nude beach * Child's stool great for use in garden * Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors * Soviet virgin lands short of goal again * Organ festival ends in smashing climax Grammar often botches other headlines: * Eye drops off shelf * Squad helps dog bite victim * Dealers will hear car talk at noon * Enraged cow injures farmer with ax * Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests * Miners refuse to work after death * Two Soviet ships collide - one dies * Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended: * Never withhold herpes from loved one * Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy * Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 * Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious: * If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while * War dims hope for peace * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency * Cold wave linked to temperatures * Child's death ruins couple's holiday * Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years * Man is fatally slain * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say * Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation