In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements
for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium  Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white.
Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in
contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

Billclintium  Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of
interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium  Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

Innofensium  Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks.
Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic
properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium  Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.

Budweisium  Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium  Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at
rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has
a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not
determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium  Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal
concentrations in the House.

Congress  Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot  Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.