It's tough being a politician. Half your reputation is ruined by lies; the other half is ruined by the truth! The clerk at the post office counter told the woman, "You have to put another stamp on this letter. It's too heavy." She replied, "And that'll make it lighter?" Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your tests results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours? That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday! Announcement in a church bulletin: 'Ladies, don't forget our garage sale. This is a good time to get rid of things not worth keeping. Be sure to bring your husbands.' A man who was irritating the stewardess on a flight to Dallas asked, "How often do planes of this airline crash?" He instantly received the reply, "Only once." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A man suddenly found that he was shrinking. Each day he was getting smaller and smaller. Very worried, he went to the doctor's office. "I've got to see the doctor!" the man demanded, frantically. "He's very busy," the nurse calmly replied. "Just take a seat and be a little patient." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. "I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me," said one. "Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you." Medical Terms: Artery = The study of fine paintings Barium = What you do when CPR fails Benign = What you are after you be eight Caesarean Section = A district in Rome Dilate = To live long Fester = Quicker GI Series = Soldiers' baseball games Hangnail = A coat hook Medical Staff = A doctor's cane Minor Operation = Coal digging Morbid = A higher offer Nitrate = Lower than the day rate Node = Was aware of Outpatient = A person who has fainted Post-operative = A letter carrier Protein = In favour of young people Tumor = An extra pair Urine = Opposite of you're out Some wise words: - Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. - Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternising with the enemy. - Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. - A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work. - You know you're old if you can remember when radios plugged in and toothbrushes didn't. - A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back. - A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions. - If you have trouble going to sleep at night, lie at the very edge of the bed... You'll soon drop off. - A penny saved is ridiculous. - The road to success is always under construction. - To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. - You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.