A young woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk. The young woman opened her handbag, took out a mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me alright." Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them. Patient: Oh, thank you very much. Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out. A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor. "Why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be," said the patient with joy. "I have been illiterate for so long." A guy about to be electrocuted phoned his lawyer from the death chamber, "They are about to make me sit in the electric chair. You are my lawyer; tell me what do I do now?" The lawyer thought for a moment and then said, "Don't sit down." After marrying a much younger woman, a 107-year-old man visited his doctor and announced they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a tiger charged toward him. Pointing his umbrella at the tiger, he shot and killed the animal on the spot." "Impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Somebody must have shot from the side!" "EXACTLY!!!" replied the doctor. Iqbal Singh is travelling from Moscow to Delhi by Khalistan Airlines. Seated beside him is Garry Kasparov. Garry asks Iqbal whether he would like to play chess to kill time. Iqbal: "Heh heh! you think I don't know who you are? I wouldn't dare to compete with a world champion." Garry: "How about if I play left handed?" Iqbal: {Think... Think...} "OK!" Iqbal is demolished in 10 moves, and is very upset throughout the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Banta Singh. Iqbal: "Hey! You know what? I played chess with Garry Kasparov and he defeated me in spite of him playing left-handed." Banta: "Heh heh! He sure did fool you! You know what? Garry IS left-handed." * * * The Waiter strikes! : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup. : - Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers. : Waiter, what's this in my soup? : - I'm not sure, sir. I can't tell one bug from another. : Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup! : - Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them. : : Waiter, there's a twig in my soup. : - Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere. : Waiter, there's a worm on my plate. : - That's your sausage, sir. : : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. : - That's all right, sir. He won't drink much. : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup. : - So what do you expect me to do? Call a lifeguard? : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup? : - I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller! : Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here. : - That won't do any good, sir. He's afraid of them as well! : Waiter, there's a fly in my butter. : - No, there isn't. : I tell you there is a fly in my butter! : - And I tell you there isn't. It isn't a fly, it's a moth and it isn't : butter, it's margarine - so there! The Customer Strikes back! : Waiter, how long have you been here? : - Three months, sir. : Ah, then it can't be you who took my order. : Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw. : - I expect he's been in a fight, sir. : Well, bring me the winner! : Waiter, have you got frogs' legs? : - Certainly, sir. : Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak! : Waiter, my bill please. : - How did you find your luncheon, sir? : With a magnifying glass. : Waiter, what do you call this? : - That's bean soup, sir. : I don't care what it's been; what is it now? : Waiter, I'll have the pie, please. : - Anything with it, sir? : If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel. : Waiter, I'll have my bill now. : - How did you find your steak, sir? : Oh, I just moved the potato and there it was. : Waiter, come here and taste this soup. : - Where's the spoon? : A-ha! The Return of the Waiter : I'll have a glass of tea. : I'll have a glass of tea, too - and make sure the glass is clean. : (A few minutes later) : - Which one wanted the clean glass? : Waiter, this soup tastes funny. : - Funny? But why aren't you laughing? : Waiter, your tie is in my soup! : - That's all right, sir. It's not shrinkable. : Waiter, your thumb's in my soup! : - That's all right, sir. It's not hot. : Waiter, my plate's wet! : - That's not wet, sir - that's the soup! : Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud! : - I'm not surprised, sir. It was _ground_ only a few minutes ago. : Waiter, do you serve crabs? : - Sit down, sir - we serve anyone. : Waiter, is this all you've got to eat? : - No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home. : Waiter, how long will my sausages be? : - Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky. : Waiter, where is my honey? : - She left last week, sir. : Waiter, that dog's just run off with my roast lamb! : - Yes, it's very popular, sir. : Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap. : - Then that must be tea, sir - the coffee tastes like glue. : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop? : - Can't you tell by the taste? : No, I can't. : - Then what does it matter? NOTHING LIKE FAMILY =================== Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him to mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?" The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?" Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" POSITIONING IS EVERYTHING ========================= This woman goes into a dentist's office. After he is through examining her he says, "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Oooohhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Well, please make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair." WHO'S NEXT??? ============= A Blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She shows up at his place unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in bed with a redhead. Well, the blond is angry; she takes the gun out of her purse and just then she's overcome with grief at the betrayal. So she points the gun to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey. Don't do it." The blond replies, "Shut up! You're next." This priest is in charge of painting the outside of his church, so he goes out with the paint and the roller. He soon realizes that the paint will not cover the whole church, so he adds thinner. Just as he finishes the steeple, a huge rainstorm comes up, and all the paint gets washed away. In despair and frustration, he cries out to the heavens, "Why? Why does this happen to me? What am I to do?!" A booming voice replies out of the clouds, "You must repaint! And thin no more!" There were 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when, to pass the time, they decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of couse I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin." The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week." The third nun was sitting there being very quiet. The other nuns say, "Come on. Now we told you our worst sins, what is yours?" The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train." ONE LINERS ========== Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out. Don't look back; they might be gaining on you. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.