T E C H   S U P P O R T   T A L E S   # 10
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I'm helping support a fairly large client/server installation. One "trouble
ticket" abbreviation we find useful is "PEBKAC" - Problem Exists Between
Keyboard And Chair.
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cAPS lOCK? wHAT cAPS lOCK?
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SCSI is *NOT* magic. There are *fundamental technical reasons* why it is
necessary to sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain now and then.
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My next story concerns a call I took on my last day of the job.

Me: Hi, this is Me at Megalith. Can I have your name and phone number please?
Customer: (Resentfully) Now where would I find that?!
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The graphic artist at the company I recently joined had been using a Macintosh
for about three years. Aware that I knew a lot about computers, he came to me
with his questions. He couldn't understand why, after he scanned a graphic and
placed it in the folder holding his Adobe Illustrator application, the graphic
didn't automatically become an illustrator file.
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"Thank you for calling Amerikuh Online. How can I help you today?"
"I'd like to upgrade my tickets to first class from coach."
"I think you are looking for American Airlines!"

But after a 20 minute hold in a telephone system that repeatedly asks about
computers and modems and connectivity... you'd think he would have gotten the
idea.
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When I was setting up a service call with Apple computer, the girl was getting
my info. She asked if I had another way of being reached other than by the
phone number I gave her. I said that I could be reached by e-mail. She asked
for my address. I gave it to her. Then, she wanted the phone # for my e-mail
address. Instills confidence, doesn't it?
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User : I'm having problem with my modem account.
Tech support : Okay. Tell me exactly the part you are having problem with.
User : Well, I think you need to give me an account.
Tech support : Well, what kind of account do you need? An e-mail account, UNIX
               account, or Novell account?
User : I need a carrier account.
Tech support : What do you mean a carrier account?
User : When I try to dial in, it tells me "no carrier." Can you give me a
       carrier account ?
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A gentleman called who was having difficulty installing the screen saver that
came with his new Power Mac. After hours of searching to no avail he finally
called us. He said he was following the directions in the manual and try as he
might, he just couldn't find the Program Manager on his Mac.
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Me : Sir, open up your System Folder and find the Launcher Items folder.
Him : I don't have a Systems Folder.
Me : (Pausing momentarily because my patience was wearing thin with customers
     like this) It's in your hard disk sir. You must have one, or else your
     computer wouldn't start properly.
Him : Hard disk, hard disk... hmmm - is that little rectangle in the top,
      right?
Me : Yes.
Him : Okay, but mine doesn't say "Hard Disk." It's just labeled with a period.
      How did that happen?
Me : Well, you can name it anything you want. Perhaps yours was named
     accidentally.
Him : Oh. What now?
Me : Open your System (speaking clearly so he would not hear an S) Folder.
Him : I don't have a systems folder. Oh, oh, here it is! Okay. Okay. I'm
      opening the Systems Envelope now.

And after an excruciating 30 minutes of how to make an alias and reminding him
that he truly did have a System Folder and where it was, we got his new
software on the Launcher. He always refers to his folders as envelopes, though.

Ten minutes later he called me back and told me how he had written down my
directions to the "Systems Envelope" so he could put more programs on his
Launcher. One of the programs didn't work, however, and after another 45
minutes of sheer hell, I told him we needed to send him out some new floppies.
"Hey, can you send me a dozen apples, too? My wife would like to make a pie,"
he laughed. If I had a button on my phone to administer electro-shock to this
man, I would have. He repeated himself, "Apples. Get it? Macintoshes? Ha ha.
Don't you get it?"

"Yes sir, I do."
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From my former job as a sales engineer at a major computer retailer: There was
the woman who bought a modem for her Mac IIsi. She called and wanted to know
how to use it to do virtual reality.
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Last week, I installed a computer for a co-worker. It was the very first
computer she had ever used. She called me early the next morning. She said her
monitor was fuzzy looking and wanted to know if she needed to buy an antenna
for it.

I told her no, it was cable ready.