The Top 18 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party 18> By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick. 17> Clown car must be started with breathalizer device. 16> Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo. It's bo-ZO!" 15> References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year-olds. 14> Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV. 13> Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick. 12> Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark. 11> Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes. 10> Prefaces each trick with "Here's a little number I learned in the joint." 9> Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting. 8> Wears a T-Shirt that says "Drug-free since March!" 7> More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants. 6> Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit. 5> A sad clown is one thing - a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely. 4> Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid." 3> Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..." 2> Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world." and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party... 1> All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.