The Top 15 Surprises on the Special Episode of "Ellen"

15> Episode pre-empted in Birmingham, Alabama, for weekly showing of
    Deliverance.

14> Ellen's not gay at all!  He's just a lonely guy who wanted to get in the
    sack with Laura Dern.

13> Unable to "fight biology," Ellen quits the book store to become a gym
    teacher.

12> In surprise ending, Laura Dern is devoured by jealous female Tyrannosaurus
    Rex.

11> Ralph Reed guests as a recruiter from The Citadel.

10> "Coming up next... a *VERY* special Blossom."

 9> Ellen makes an impassioned plea for recognizing homosexuals as normal
    people, then, to prove her point, she goes berserk and Uzi's a Wendy's.

 8> Ellen's not only a lesbian - she's also the Lesbian Club president.

 7> The name of the show is changed to "Hot Girl-Girl Action!"

 6> Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson get into a fistfight over who gets to throw
     the first stone.

 5> Special cameo appearance by Jerry Mathers as The Beaver.

 4> Daisy Duck admits to a shocked Michael Eisner that she's never REALLY been
    attracted to Donald.

 3> OMIGOD!  Ellen's GAY?!?!?  Why hasn't this been in the news?

 2> New, openly gay Ellen can *STILL* date Michael Jackson.

 and the Number 1 Surprise on the Special Episode of "Ellen"...

 1> Entire episode sponsored by Duracell and Snap-On Tools.