MAXIM'S O' THE DAY:

 1. Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

 2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

 3. 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

 4. Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

 5. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

 6. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

 7. I used up all my sick days so I'm calling in dead.

 8. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

 9. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

 10. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

 11. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

 12. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?

 13. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

 14. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

 15. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.

 16. Help Wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply.

 17. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

 18. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

 19. What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.

 20. 24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?