"Good crowd. Good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm OK now
 but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and
 found out I was the sap."

 "I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for
 the west!"

 "My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

 "When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
 father... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled
 through."

 "My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

 "My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
 friend."

 "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

 "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

 "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
 radio."

 "What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"

 "I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

 "I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger
 to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

 "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the
 electric chair."

 "I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

 "I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."

 "Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
 parents. I said to him... Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, I don't
 know, kid... There are so many places they can hide."

 "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth
 floor, so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, On your mark..."

 "On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year, one
 kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different. When I answer the door the
 kids hand me candy."

 "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

 "Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

 "I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

 "Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii... No days...
 just nights."

 "My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."

 "I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."
 
 "I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said... No, one drag
 is enough."

 "A girl phoned me and said, Come on over. There's nobody home. I went over...
 Nobody was home!"

 "I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."

 "During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she
 called me from a hotel."

 "One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to
 the guy, Hey buddy... Why are you doing that for? He said, Because you came
 home early."

 "I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to
 have a few drinks and get some rest."

 "My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, If you don't mind I'd
 like a second opinion. He said, Alright... You're ugly, too!"

 "I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"