YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN A CONSULTANT FOR TOO LONG WHEN... 1) you refer to the yield of the tomato plants in your home garden as "deliverables"; 2) you can tell the copier repair person at the client site exactly what's wrong with the machine and what parts need to be replaced; 3) the new client staff come to you for information on how to start the coffee machine; 4) you've succeeded in memorizing the morning and afternoon schedules of two major airlines' flights to your client's site; 5) you can execute five complex tasks simultaneously, but you can't remember what you had for breakfast that morning; 6) you have enough "vendor" ID badges for a royal flush and two pair; 7) you know all the late night security guards at the client site on a first name basis (replace "security guards" with "cleanup staff" or "swing-shift mainframe operators" as you choose); 8) you use so many acronyms you no longer know which are your company's, the client's or the software vendor's; 9) you feel naked without a laptop hanging from your left shoulder; 10) the project partner tries to hire you; 11) you forego the opportunity to fly home on the weekend, because you really like it in Southfield, MI. (Schaumburg, IL... Bethesda, MD... Norwood, MA...); 12) you say "Whoopee! Half day!" when you leave at 10:00PM; 13) your kids point at the phone and say "That's the one that's broken" when you get home, thinking you must be from the NYNEX, 'cause you sure don't look familiar; 14) you start thinking that life in the US Navy Submarine Corps would give you more time at home; 15) you start referring to your laptop by a cute name; 16) you are upset when you come home on Friday night and the lights aren't on, the bed isn't turned down, and there are no chocolates on your pillow; 17) you fantasize about zero-billing; 18) "vacationing" is spending an entire weekend in your own home; 19) you can call room service and order multiple entrees without looking at the menu; 20) writers for the OAG call you to verify flight numbers and times; 21) you have seen more movies at 35,000 feet than you have at General Cinemas (replace General Cinemas with your local movie theater); 22) you have had more phone numbers than Imelda Marcos has pairs of shoes; 23) the media phrases "telecommuting" and "virtual office" have very real (and frightening) meaning for you; 24) you forget how to turn on the windshield wipers in your own car; 25) new staff point at you and say "That's him. That's the old guy..."; 26) your resume looks like a phone book; 27) the client says your rates are too high, and you blush; 28) you introduce yourself to your next door neighbors... again; 29) your spouse flies home (to your hotel) for the weekend; 30) you use the word "paradigm" in a sentence; 31) you use the word "granularity" in a sentence; 32) you use the word "robust" in a sentence; 33) someone mentions a 7:00 meeting and you say "AM or PM?"; 34) you cry when your laptop won't start; 35) you carry on a 5 minute conversation about data warehousing, then you ask what it means; 36) when other people speak of vacations in warm sunny places, you get a lost look on your face, cock your head to one side like a dog hearing a whistle, and say, "My last vacation was, um, it was, ah, um, er..."; 37) you have a day off, and you call work because you miss it; 38) you write a workplan for your weekends; 39) someone asks you what you do for a living, and you can't answer the question; 40) before starting the car, you insist on telling everyone where the emergency exits are; 41) before stopping the car, you insist that everyone stay seated until the fasten seatbelts sign is off; 42) you call CTG (computer support group) with a support question just for the entertainment of hearing their answer; 43) a good dinner consists of vending machine snacks; 44) a good lunch consists of vending machine snacks; 45) you insist that your friends submit time sheets at the end of the month so you can see what you missed; 46) you can tell the hotel staff what their room-rate policy is; 47) you believe that e-mail is as good as a conversation can get; 48) instant coffee tastes good; 49) you can remember 15 client and hotel phone numbers, but you get stumped when asked for your home number; 50) you file more state income tax returns than Microsoft has trademarks; 51) you've been staying in the same hotel, you instinctively call it "home"; 52) the hotel staff recognizes you and gives you the same room every week (this is not always good); 53) the room service staff feels free to nag and fight with you because they know you'll be back next week anyway; 54) you know all the favorite radio stations of all the valet parking guys; 55) you get more calls from the hotel staff to see if you're OK than you do from your friends; 56) then you realize the hotel staff are you friends; 57) you can list fifty-seven (and counting) reasons why you have been a consultant for too long.