MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. The boss is always right. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human. To forgive is not company policy. In case of an atomic bomb attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T...) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. People are always available for work in the past tense. People don't make the same mistake twice; they make it three times, four times, or five times. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The longer the title, the less important the job. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. Around here, progress is made on alternate Tuesdays. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. The employee who has performed his duties faithfully and without fault for five years will be given an increase of five cents per day in his pay provided the profits allow it. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own. Success is just a matter of luck. Just ask any failure.