All reasons cucumbers are better than men: 1. A cucumber is usually at least six inches long. 2. Cucumbers don't tell you size doesn't count. 3. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, hair dresser, or tennis instructor. 4. A cucumber won't ask about your previous lover, or speculate about the next. 5. A cucumber won't make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the fridge. 6. A cucumber won't proposition your best friend. 7. A cucumber doesn't want to improve your mind. 8. A cucumber doesn't care if you don't shave your legs. 9. A cucumber won't bug you about losing weight or going to exercise class. 10. A cucumber can stay up all night. 11. With a cucumber, you don't have to sleep on the wet spot. 12. Cucumbers can't carry a cold or the clap - they grow their own penicillin. 13. A cucumber won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him. 14. A cucumber won't tell you he had a vasectomy when he really didn't. 15. A cucumber won't use your toothbrush, deodorant, or hair spray. 16. A cucumber doesn't leave hair in your sink or a ring in your bathtub. 17. A cucumber won't serve to your backhand. 18. Cucumbers grow in "it"; they aren't full of it. 19. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. 20. With a cucumber, you'll never find used jogging shorts in your lingerie. 21. A cucumber doesn't expect you to do his laundry. 22. A cucumber never asks your age. 23. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber. 24. You can fondle a cucumber in the supermarket, and know how firm it is before you take it home. 25. A cucumber will never give you a hickey. 26. A cucumber can get away any weekend. 27. With a cucumber, you don't have to check in as "Mrs. Cucumber." 28. You can go to the movies with a cucumber, and see the movie. 29. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn and send you out for nachos. 30. A cucumber will always respect your privacy, and not want to do it in unusual places. 31. A cucumber can always wait until you get home. 32. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. 33. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety. 34. A cucumber doesn't ask "Was I the best?" 35. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin. 36. With a cucumber, you don't have to be a virgin more than once. 37. Cucumbers don't compare notes. 38. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups, and aren't into chains and leather and talking dirty. 39. A cucumber won't make you wear kinky clothes. 40. You can have as many cucumbers a night as you can handle. 41. You can eat a cucumber whenever you feel like it. 42. A cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're in line for a promotion. 43. A cucumber doesn't care if you make more money than he does. 44. A cucumber doesn't bum cigarettes and ask you to cook dinner. 45. A cucumber won't switch channels from your soaps to "All Star Wrestling." 46. Cucumbers don't turn your sewing room into a gym, chill their Nikes in your fridge, or lift weights by hoisting you over their head. 47. A cucumber doesn't call with "I have to work tonight" and then come home totally sloshed. 48. A cucumber doesn't lose its firmness when pickled. 49. A cucumber doesn't ask "Can we try something new?" 50. A cucumber doesn't have allergies to your cat. 51. A cucumber doesn't leave whisker burns, drool on your sheets, or fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. 52. Cucumbers don't ask for breakfast in bed. 53. A cucumber doesn't make *you* go to the 7-11. 54. You'll never find out later that your cucumber is still married. 55. A cucumber won't call you Jill when your name is Nancy. 56. A cucumber doesn't expect you to play Florence Nightingale. 57. And I'm yet to meet a cucumber who felt rejected because I didn't feel like eating it just then. 58. Cucumbers will stay hard for more than a week.