Minor Words Of Semi-Wisdom
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"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Don't blame me - I'm from Uranus."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Smile - it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

"Wink. I'll do the rest!"

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"I souport publik edekasion."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' till you can find a rock."

"2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2."

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Few women admit their age; few men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Pride is what we have. Pity is what others have.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart?"

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.

Eschew obfuscation.