The Top 20 Indications You Won't Win Olympic Gold
 
 20> Those bastards on the Olympic committee still refuse to make pie eating a
     medal sport.
 
 19> You get seriously winded just going to the fridge for that second beer.
 
 18> Still can't consistently beat your dad.
 
 17> Your athletic shoe sponsor? Doc Marten.
 
 16> Your training includes a dozen Dairy Queen Blizzards per day.
 
 15> After a week in Atlanta, your only photo session instructions have been
     "Now turn to the right!"
 
 14> You're down to a couple of packs a day, but just can't seem to quit.
 
 13> You wander through the quaint streets of Lillehammer asking, "Where is
     everybody?"
 
 12> Spandex only stretches so far.
 
 11> You can't even win regular size fries at McDonald's.
 
 10> Olympic Gold gives me the runs... Now, Olympic Lite - I can drink that by
     the case!
 
  9> Mom insists you wear floaties for the 100-meter freestyle.
 
  8> Your only corporate sponsor is the guy selling oranges near the freeway.
 
  7> Muscles ache after a vigorous game of foosball.
 
  6> You've just decided to defect *TO* Cuba.
 
  5> Less than two weeks to go, and your ass is still glued to the couch.
 
  4> During the rifle competition, you inadvertently shoot Izzy in the butt.
 
  3> The only clapping you hear when you run is the sound of your thighs
     banging into one another.
 
  2> Daily jog to McDonalds for Big Macs doesn't exactly qualify you for the
     10K, and besides, you've got a country to run.
 
  and the Number 1 Indication You Won't Win Olympic Gold...
 
  1> Your competitor is referred to as "America's Sweetheart." You're referred
     to as "That little slut from Trenton."