My school colors were clear.

 I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

 I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby; I'm just having trouble
 breathing.

 My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when
 you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay.
 Forget it."

 I went for a walk last night, and she asked me, "How long are you going to be
 gone?" I said, "The whole time."

 My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him
 because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a
 minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

 I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere. You
 just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"

 Hermits have no peer pressure.

 Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

 There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an
 idiot.

 The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making
 pictures of humans on a tree.

 How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

 The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about
 some of the people who were here last year."

 What a nice night for an evening.

 When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said,
 "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

 Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

 I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
 furious.

 I live on a one-way dead-end street.
 
 Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...

 I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing
 "Happy Birthday".

 I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere
 I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

 I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?"
 I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

 It doesn't matter what temperature a room is - it's always room temperature.

 Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

 I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No, thanks.
 I'm not going that far."

 I was driving around recently and saw a sign that said "Rest stop: 25 miles".
 I thought, "Wow, that's pretty big. Those people must be tired."

 I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained.
 So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.

 I'm a peripheral visionary.

 I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

 I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.

 Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller
 ballerinas?