YOU KNOW YOU'RE OLD WHEN...

- Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- You feel like the morning after but you haven't been anywhere.
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
- You've finally reached the top of the ladder, only to find that it's leaning
  against the wrong wall.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "Twenty Years Ago Today".
- You turn out the light for economic reasons.
- You sit in the rocking chair and you can't get it going.
- Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
- You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.
- You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf
  course.
- Your pacemaker makes the garage door open when you see a pretty girl.
- The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
- You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine
  cabinet.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
- Your broad mind and your narrow waist have exchanged places.